Grief is a profound and multifaceted response to loss, particularly the loss of someone or something to which a deep bond was formed. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a pioneering Swiss-American psychiatrist, introduced the concept of the 5 Stages of Grief in her 1969 book, “On Death and Dying.” These stages are widely recognized for providing a framework to understand the complex emotions experienced during the grief process.

The 5 stages of grief are not necessarily experienced linearly, and individuals may move through them in different sequences or revisit stages multiple times.  Although Ross introduced the 5 stages in response to the loss of a loved one through death, the same stages are present with the loss of a loved one through separation and divorce, even if the relationship was toxic or traumatic.

Here are the 5 stages of grief in detail.

1. Denial

Denial is the first of the 5 stages. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of the loss. During this stage, individuals may feel numb or in disbelief, often struggling to accept the reality of the situation. Phrases like “This can’t be happening” or “I feel like this is just a bad dream” are common.

Denial helps to minimize the overwhelming pain. It’s a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of hurt. As the denial fades, it is gradually replaced by the awareness of the loss, setting the stage for the subsequent emotional responses.

2. Anger

As denial fades, the reality and pain re-emerge, and the individual is not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, strangers, friends, or family. It may also be directed at the loved one or oneself.

Common expressions include: “Why is this happening?” or “Who is to blame?” Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. It’s an indication that the person is beginning to come to terms with the loss and is a natural step toward eventual acceptance.

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control:

• • If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
  • If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
  • If only I hadn’t confronted him about that affair…

During this stage, individuals may dwell on what could have been done differently to prevent the loss. This is an attempt to negotiate away the pain by making deals with a higher power or with oneself, trying to postpone the inevitable. Bargaining can offer temporary respite from the pain, providing a sense of control in a situation where one feels powerless.

4. Depression

After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This stage is marked by feelings of sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty. It is a period of reflection, a time when the person realizes the full magnitude of the loss.

Depression is an appropriate response to a great loss. It is a stage in which the individual comes to a profound understanding of the finality of the loss. It is important to note that this kind of depression is not a sign of mental illness; it is a natural and necessary part of the grieving process.

5. Acceptance

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “okay” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel okay or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality of the situation and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality.

Acceptance is about learning to live with it. It is finding ways to move forward and re-engage with life despite the loss. This stage involves adjusting to life without the loved one, finding new roles or relationships, and continuing to make progress in the journey of healing.

The Fluid Nature of Grief

It is essential to understand that these 5 stages of grief are not a strict progression but rather a model that can help individuals understand and articulate their emotions. Grieving is a highly personal experience, and people may move back and forth between stages, skip stages, or experience them in a different order. What is important is to allow oneself to grieve and to seek support when needed.

There is also no designated time frame in which one moves through the grief process.  Although the medical and psychological models may want to dish out medication for depression, just three months after a loss, this is no indication that the grieving period should be only three months.  Two years is more of an average grieving time, depending on the nature of the loss, and some people will grieve even longer.

With the loss of a loved one through death, grief may always be there on some level.  One may find themselves experiencing grief and sadness during holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions.  There also may be an underlying feeling that something/someone is missing for decades after a loss.

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s work has been instrumental in bringing awareness to the emotional complexities of grief, offering solace to many who navigate the painful journey of loss. Through understanding the 5 Stages of Grief, individuals can better comprehend their own grieving process and find a path toward healing