A friend and I were having a conversation the other night and we hit on an interesting topic; the topic of revenge against the narcissist. We are both involved in a group that is trying to bring justice to a woman in our community who was both physically and narcissistically abused, and we asked ourselves and each other the question Do We Want Revenge Against the Narcissist?
My friend and I had both been heavily involved in the project of bringing justice to the true victim, the woman who was strangled, dragged and suffocated at the hands of this man. She was hugely traumatized and although he was arrested, he was released without sentence due to a loophole in the system. So we were working to right the system wrongs and see this man sentenced. We weren’t really seeking revenge against the narcissist, we were seeking accountability.
It is a slow process when dealing with governmental agencies and we don’t know what the outcome will be, but in our discussion, my friend and I were very much on the same page. We were surrendering the outcome to the Universe, knowing on some level, Karma is already bringing justice. Whether or not this man ends up behind bars is no longer our concern. Of course we think he should be, because he is not able to see that he has done anything wrong and this would really be the greatest way, to hold him accountable.
The conversation we were having turned to what we were fighting for and what we were fighting against. When we are fighting against something, we are actually creating negative energy and resistance. In many ways we were fighting against the man who we believed should be behind bars.
We both realized our primary goal at this point is to see the woman who was victimized work through her trauma and get back on her feet, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Our primary goal is to see her thrive. We want to see her overcome. And we know, although it would feel right to see the narcissist behind bars, it won’t really help her to heal. Because the damage has already been done.
Mother Theresa says “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.” In her wisdom, Mother Teresa recognized that fighting for a cause would not bring the results we are seeking. But putting our energy towards what we really want to see happen, is a positive and loving use of our energy.
Fighting against the narcissist or narcissism in general doesn’t really bring us the results we are seeking in our lives. Of course, if you are in the thick of it, going through divorce or trying to extract yourself from a narcissistic relationship, you have to stand up for yourself and fight for yourself. But we must look at it more as fighting for ourselves rather than against the narcissist.
Working in the field of narcissistic abuse for nearly twenty years, I found that in many ways it felt I was fighting against narcissism. I was exposing it, bringing it to light, fighting for my clients and trying to help extract them from hopeless and damaging situations. But after nearly twenty years in the field, something is shifting for me. I am laying down my end of the rope and I’m not fighting anymore. I surrender!
What does it mean to surrender? Well, for me it is to release the need to seek revenge and surrender the karma of those who do harm to others to a higher power.
In the bible there is a passage that says “vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” This doesn’t mean that we don’t press charges against someone who we should press charges against. It doesn’t mean we don’t support those who are in similar situations to the woman in our community who was so severely abused. We do what we can, within our own power and within our integrity.
What we need to be mindful of is what is happening within our own heart. My friend and I both want to be at peace and have love in our hearts. We can’t do this if we are always fighting against the “bad guys” so to speak. We need to trust that life is dealing with the “bad guys” and we can only do what we can do. We did everything we could do on our end, now we wait for the government to makes it move. We have no control over what they decide.
I’ve supported so many women in their court battles with a narcissist and they are brutal! The narcissist is all about win/lose. There is no win/win in their personality structure. They fight to the bitter end and will do whatever it takes to get their way. They will cheat, lie, recruit others against you and so commonly take an oath in court and then turn around and break it immediately. Because rules don’t apply to these personality types. Winning is their only objective.
When I hear these stories of what a narcissist gets away with, I get angry! I want to fight for my client. I want to see justice served. But it is out of my hands. I can only support those who are trying to get a fair deal in a divorce, or get custody of their children.
Sometimes my clients lose and the circumstances are so unfair. A client may be left without funds after spending her last fifteen or twenty years taking care of the children. Or she may even lose custody of her children. She may be a victim of Parental Alienation Syndrome, where her children are turned against her by the narcissist.
As an empath, I can both imagine and feel what it is like for the woman who has lost the battle. She feels defeated, lost and often suicidal, because she has nothing left to live for. Or at least this is how she feels at the time.
I have to resist my urge to rescue and bail out my clients. It is never my fight. I’ve had my own struggles and challenges. My role is to help my clients work through their pain, their grief and their loss. I can’t take it from them. I can only help them to walk through it.
Changing our mindset to see what we are really fighting for rather than what we are fighting against can make all the difference in the world. Fighting against the narcissists of the world is futile. But fighting for ourselves, for our empowerment, for our children, for our lives, for our respect and our dignity. This is aligning our energies in the right direction.
The definition of the word “fight” “is “to engage in a struggle that involves conflict.” The greatest conflict is always within ourselves. We are so often our own worst enemy. I’ve been known to say the narcissist is actually a much worse enemy then we are to ourselves. But if we search ourselves, we may find that the greatest enemy is within. Because it is the enemy within our own being that gives the narcissist power.
I had a man approach me and tell me he believes he is his own narcissist. Well, that doesn’t surprise me at all. We can often beat up on ourselves every bit as much as a narcissist would. This comes from our deepest core wounds and beliefs. When we believe there is something about us that is unlovable, the narcissist will reflect that something back to us time and time again. The part that feels unlovable gets magnified and our self esteem plummets. But if we didn’t have the part within us that felt unlovable, the narcissist wouldn’t have anything to use against us.
It is our own inner enemy that gives the narcissist his or her power. Like a heat seeking missile they seek out your weaknesses and use them against you.
When we fight for ourselves, we are really fighting the parts of ourselves that are negative and hurtful towards ourselves. But should we really even be fighting against ourselves? I say not.
So what is the difference between fighting for ourselves and fighting against ourselves? Really there is not much. Because the word fight suggest a struggle. In order to step outside of the struggle, we need to actually love the parts of ourselves that are wounded. We need to send love to the parts that say “I’m not enough,” “There is something wrong with me,” “I’m not lovable.”
We don’t fight against these parts. Because what we fight against becomes stronger. This is what we need to realize. What we resist, persists. What we fight against we feed with our energy.
Instead of the “war against,” we could embark upon a pro-self-love rally. We can rally support from those who we believe truly love us and care about us and invite them to the pro-self-love rally. We can let them know we are working on loving ourselves more. We are working on loving the parts of ourselves that we didn’t feel were loveable and simply ask for their support.
The best way to disarm a narcissist is to remove our attention from him or her. Unplug! Stop feeding that person our attention and energy. Narcissist thrive on our attention, whether positive or negative, it doesn’t matter. Attention is still food. So, we need to feed ourselves the attention instead. Pay attention to our own needs, our own hurts and our deepest healing.
We need to keep in mind that when we fight against the narcissist, we give him or her power. When we withdraw our attention and energy, and put it back on our own healing journey, we withdraw power from the narcissist.
This goes for anything negative in our lives. If you hate your job or are having a conflict with a person in your life. Take your attention off the thing you hate and put it back on yourself. What is that job or person triggering in YOU? How can you work to resolve the conflict on the “inner realms?”
The goal is always your own empowerment, is it not? The goal is that you feel strong, empowered and spiritually connected. If you have lost the battle, it does not mean you have lost the war.
If you were left with nothing at the end of your marriage, how can you find strength within yourself to re-build. The more you spend your energy feeling defeated and victimized, the less energy you will have to re-build your life. At some point you have to accept your current circumstances and then move forward to create much more favorable circumstances.
If you have lost your children, do what you need to do to get stabilized so that you can go back to court to gain a more favorable situation?
Laying around feeling sorry for ourselves is not helpful. We all do this from time to time, so no need to beat ourselves up. But at some point, we have to stand up for ourselves. The word “stand up,” means get back on our feet. Stop lying down and being a victim. Get up! Stand up! Find what within yourself needs to be healed. What negative core beliefs are you keeping alive right now? What do you believe about yourself that is destructive to you? Are you ready to turn that around?
Peace doesn’t come from struggle! It comes from surrender and allowing, not my will, but thy will to be done. This means the will of our spirit, our higher self, the part of us that is here on a spiritual mission. The hardships we are facing are here to make us stronger, not to defeat us.
Too many people in my line of work accept defeat! Funny how the word defeat can be broken into two words “de and feet.” We have lost our footing. We are no longer standing. We have no feet. We are laying down, powerless and hopeless.
The sad truth is “nobody is really going to come to your rescue.” There are people out there, like me, who are happy to help you get back on your feet, or find your feet again. But you have to take the first step. You have to reach out. You have to realize that there is a spiritual opportunity here to overcome this defeat and step into a higher version of yourself.
You may need to get therapeutic support in order to see the blind spots you may not have been able to see. Just because you have read a lot of books and done a lot of therapy, doesn’t mean you’ve done the work. Talking about issues doesn’t resolve them. Reading about tools doesn’t put them into practice.
Real therapy is a two-way street. The therapist won’t magically heal you. You need to work together towards your healing and be willing to follow the wisdom and guidance of someone you trust. You can’t get out of darkness if you have made your bed there. You can only get out of darkness by getting back on your feet and walking towards the light.
So lets stop seeking after revenge against the narcissist, and instead seek after ourselves, our truest nature, our most authentic expression of being.
If you find yourself here, reading these words and resonating with them, you are here for a reason. It is no accident you are here. You are ready to move beyond your self-imposed limitations and become the great warrior you have come here to be. Not the kind of warrior that wages war on others, but the kind of warrior who stands strong in his or her own truth.
As always, the truth of who you are is the way to your own salvation. The truth will set you free. It may hurt to see the truth; to face the truth. But once you accept the truth of your own divine nature, you are on your way to freedom; to your most authentic expression of SELF.
