I have recently decided to work the twelve step program for Codependency. The deeper I go into the program I find myself doing my best to be honest, to the point where I may be actually looking for things in myself that are no longer there. I find myself saying “maybe I’m not so codependent.”
The twelve step program is a program of honesty. We have to look at ourselves with a fine tooth comb and this is the only way we will change our self-destructive behavior. We need to be willing to see what is there, under the surface of our awareness and we need to be willing to do things differently.
When one works the twelve steps for Codependency, we need to be willing to use the definitions of Codependency as described in the CODA materials. Not just the descriptions themselves but look closely at the behaviors exhibited by Codependents.
If you have been in recovery from Narcissistic abuse, you will notice that there are many different descriptions of Codependency. People who have made their mark in the field of narcissistic abuse, such as Ross Rosenburg and Dr. Ramani, have different ways of describing Codependents. Rosenburg’s work is very much centered around recovery from Codependency which he calls “Self Love Deficit Disorder.”
He tells us that Codependents are on one end of the spectrum where narcissists are on the on the opposite end. One is either polarized to the narcissistic side of things, which he describes as +3, +4 or +5 as being more malignantly narcissistic, where -3, -4 and -5 are more severely codependent. The more one polarizes in one direction, the more pathological their disorder is and the more likely that relationship is to work. For example if one is a +5 in malignant narcissism and the other is a -5 in Codependency, the two are so unhealthy that they may easily remain in that unhealthy and toxic dynamic for years, maybe even a lifetime. But if there is a +4 in narcissism and a -2 in Codependency it isn’t likely going to last because the Codependent is much healthier and more likely to take care of herself, love herself and have healthier boundaries, which will not work with a narcissist.
I love Rosenburgs work and can really relate to it, although it may not be full proof. For example, in his philosophy, two narcissists couldn’t work together, yet we know there are many circumstances where both partners appear to be narcissistic and they just feed each other’s egos and offer supply to each other.
There are also situations where someone who is healthier but still has some codependent traits may fall for the seduction of the narcissist but then leave shortly after the narcissist begins to reveal himself or herself. In a case like this, the attraction is still there, but the ability to tolerate abuse is not. So a mildly codependent person can still fall in love with and have a relationship with a more malignant narcissist, but the longevity is not likely to be there.
I recently watched a video from Dr. Ramani talking about if a narcissist can also be codependent and she says yes! Well, if you use Ross Rosenburgs description of Codependency as self-love deficit, it would make sense that most narcissists have the same core wounds as the codependent. They are also self-love deficit, but they compensate by inflating their sense of self and taking a superior stance against others. But Ramani refers to the actual “dependency” piece when talking about narcissism and codependency. It is clear that narcissists are dependent on a source of supply and may even become obsessed with a source or try to please a source in the way they once tried to please a parent, in order to get their attention and approval. So, in a case like this the narcissist becomes the people pleaser and caretaker for a partner or a parent in order to hold onto supply. Makes sense, but now the lines begin to get pretty blurry and it may be difficult to understand where codependency ends and narcissism begins. Especially when codependents often caretake, people please and enable in order to hold on to their relationships.
Ramani reminds us that Codependency isn’t actually a diagnosis. It is more in the addictions family; which explains why we have the twelve step program for healing Codependency. In the addictions model, Codependency is a disease.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder, on the other hand is a diagnosis of a personality disorder. Although narcissists may also have addictions, NPD is a personality disorder and not an addiction. So a narcissist can also be an addict or codependent.
When I looked at the character traits or defects of character in the Twelve Step Recovery workbook for Codependency, I noticed a lot of narcissistic traits as well. Such as “lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others,” “label others with their negative traits,” “express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways, “seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than,” “perceive themselves as superior to others,” “make decisions without regard to consequences, “ “attempt to convince others what to think, do or feel, “ “become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice,” “lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence,” “demand their needs be met by others,” “use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate,” “use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally,” refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate, “act in ways that invite others to reject, shame or express anger towards them,” “judge harshly what others think, say or do,” “avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance,” “pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.”
Of course, there are a lot more descriptions of behaviors Codependents do that I wouldn’t consider to also be narcissistic, but the ones I just named are often found in the narcissist as well as the more unhealed codependent.
Although I am really trying to be honest with myself as I go through these descriptions while working step four, I find myself possibly looking for things in myself that just aren’t there. I find myself saying “well, maybe I did that at one time, but I’m having difficulty seeing where I am doing this now.” I don’t relate to most of the descriptions I just named.
Doing a fearless and moral inventory of one’s character defects can be really challenging because we all have blind spots that prevent us from seeing ourselves accurately. We need to have a willingness to look at ourselves honestly, but part of our self-honesty also involves looking at where we have already healed and where we are NOT so Codependent. We need to be able to see where we have grown or where we are actually healthy in our behavior. Some things just aren’t going to resonate as being true for us. And we may answer some questions with “I just don’t do this anymore.” And this is part of the fearless and searching moral inventory. This process also helps us to show us how well we actually know ourselves.
