Living Your Best Life
When I first started working with narcissistic abuse, I focused, like most people, on the traits, characteristics, and issues pertaining to the narcissist. I still believe this is important because we do need to be well educated and informed as to the types of control and manipulation typically used by someone who is narcissistic. This helps us to not only understand that what we have experienced in such relationships is a type of abuse, but it also prepares us on how to leave these chaotic and highly volatile relationships.
Once we do leave the relationship we have to begin changing our focus from the narcissistic person and his or her life, back to ourselves. For codependent people, this can be very difficult because codependents typically focus on the needs of others over their own needs.
Codependents and narcissists typically pair up because the narcissist focuses on his or her own needs and has no concern for the needs of their partner. Likewise, the codependent focuses on the needs of his/her partner without any concern for their own needs. The narcissist requires partners to be focused on them. They need the constant attention to themselves, whether it be positive or negative.
So, when a codependent leaves the relationship with the narcissist, the focus is typically still on the narcissist. The codependent is conditioned to focus on that person, and this is pretty normal for codependency.
Self-focus can feel odd for a codependent. He or she has learned to deal with uncomfortable feelings or toxic environments by focusing outside of the self. So, to return back to the Self can be a daunting task.
Recovery from codependency may be a necessary focus on the Path Back to Self. It is important to familiarize yourself with the codependent traits and do a true self evaluation to see where you might be codependent. Just remember that denial is one of the traits, so if you can’t relate to any of them, you may be in denial. Denial keeps us safe from facing something that is very difficult to look at.
At the core of codependency is shame. Shame is a feeling of not being good enough, being flawed, unlovable, and worthless. One may not even be aware of shame-based feelings until something happens to bring them to the surface, such as a relationship with a narcissist. Since the narcissist, who is also shamed based, projects his or her shame upon others, it triggers core shame that is within the individual receiving the projections.
Our defense mechanisms protect us against those horrible shameful feelings. Whether it is codependency, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, or narcissism, that plagues us, we are all running away from the same thing….shame!
Shame tells us there is something wrong with us, and we are not normal. We don’t fit in! This all equates to feeling worthless and unlovable. Those feelings are so deeply painful that we avoid them at all costs. So admitting to ourselves that we are codependent, or an addict may be the most difficult thing for us.
Even if you can admit to yourself that you are codependent, it may be difficult to actually get into recovery and delve into exactly why you are codependent and what your actual traits are. We may tend to see ourselves as selfless and loving but in recovery come to find that we are actually quite controlling, or manipulative, or passive aggressive. We may find that we project our expectations onto others and become resentful when they are not who we need them to be. We may find that we don’t tell the truth for fear of being judged or not liked. We may realize that our desire to be loved and accepted by others causes us to pretend to be something we are not or hide parts of ourselves for fear of being judged. We may find that our desire to be seen as kind and loving may cause us to act one way on the outside but then feel angry and resentful on the inside. We may be overly generous with our time, attention and/or money in order to be seen as good, even if we don’t have the time, attention or money to give.
When we begin the path back to Self, we have to be willing to look at ourselves honestly. Although we may have been victimized by a narcissist, we are not victims! We are acting from our own unconscious dysfunction, and this is why we chose to get involved with the narcissist in the first place.
The narcissist initially appeals to our need to be liked, loved, admired, seen as good, attractive and valuable. Codependents are typically vulnerable to the love bombing of a narcissist because this appeases the deep, often unconscious feelings of unworthiness. Unfortunately, in the end it is a completely different story.
The more we can self-evaluate and understand our own true nature, the more we lean towards health and wellness. Even if we have an active addiction to a narcissist, we can use logic and reasoning to stay away and protect ourselves from further abuse and manipulation.
We may have a difficult time believing that person doesn’t really care about us or love us, but we have enough evidence that we really can’t ignore. If we do ignore the evidence, we know we have brought on the next round of abuse ourselves. By our failure to acknowledge the truth, we get slapped in the face with it time and time again until we finally get it!
One of the most difficult things for a codependent to do is to admit to a group of strangers that he or she is codependent. It goes against the very survival, coping mechanisms of the codependent; to be seen as perfect, or good. When we admit codependency, we admit that we are flawed. We admit we are not perfect, and we come up against our fear of not being loved as a result. Even if we are standing before a group of self-proclaimed codependents, it still feels very risky. We might believe others are better at it than we are, or further ahead, or more lovable than we are. Yet, this is the place where we heal and learn that we are all in the same boat. We are all on the same journey. Our journey is to have a healthy relationship with ourselves and with others.
A healthy relationship with oneself is, of course, first and foremost. We need to start at home. We need to be really honest with ourselves about what needs to change in our lives. We may need to commit to staying out of intimate relationships for a time, learn how to self soothe, meditate, eat right, exercise, and take time for ourselves.
We may need to enter some kind of therapy to do the deeper inner work. We may need to cut off relationships with toxic, unhealthy people. We may even need to take a step back from family members who are unhealthy in their interactions with us. We may need to let go of lifelong friendships.
Sometimes when you first embark upon the Path Back to Self, you might feel isolated and lonely. This is because everything in your life needs to change in order for you to be healthy. You need to let go of that narcissist, and maybe a narcissistic parent or friend or boss. You may find after the housecleaning process where you let go of unhealthy relationships, you don’t have many relationships left, if any at all. This sheds light on the painful truth that you have been surrounding yourself with unhealthy, dysfunctional people and don’t have any healthy, truly satisfying friendships.
In the 12 step recovery groups for codependency, you are meeting and connecting with other people who are working hard to get healthy and have healthy relationships. Here you can truly see recovery and begin to experience healthy relationships.
If you find yourself mostly alone, do join a twelve-step program. And embrace this time to really get to know YOU on a whole new level. And this can be so very rewarding.
Take a really good, hard look at your life. Are you healthy? Do you need to make a lifestyle change? Do you smoke, eat junk food, or drink too much? Do you spend all your spare time Online, mindlessly watching videos or losing yourself in social media? Do you like your job? Are you avoiding doing something you have really wanted to do? Do you like where you live? What changes do you really need to make in your life?
When I talk about the Path Back to Self, some people may feel they have never really had a SELF. So there is nothing to go back to. If this is the case for you, see it as the path to your true self. This is a process of finding yourself, learning who you really are, what you like, what you need, what you value, what your morals and values are. This is a process of discovering your interests, your passion, your gifts, and your desires. This is a process of really learning to live YOUR life for YOU and not live for someone else.
When one relationship ends, our focus will often go to finding another relationship. Not right away, of course. After being with a narcissist, most people don’t even want to think about another relationship. But when they really start to heal and feel better, this is where the focus goes.
But what if when you start to feel better, you actually deepen your focus on your SELF and go the next level. As you increase your own energy levels and really start to live a rich, fulfilling, inspired life, then you are in a much better place to attract someone, or be attracted to someone who is also living a rich, fulfilling, inspired life and you can have a much healthier relationship.
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