As I write this I am at the beautiful Oregon Coast where I am enjoying my solitude and working remotely, with all my beautiful clients. I am on the other side of visits with parents, a family reunion on the coast and a week with a friend. All were wonderful and I really enjoyed this time, but it’s always good to return to the Path Back to Self.
This summer the journey in my truck camper has been a nice blend of visiting with others and spending time alone. Yesterday I kicked my shoes off and walked the beach in a remote and quiet area. There is nothing better than the time spent with the spirit of my being. I feel happy and free!
I just uploaded a new podcast/video called “How Being Desperate for a Relationship Backfires.” It is a topic that comes up a lot in my sessions as people recover from narcissistic abuse and toxic relationship patterns. It seems once we start to feel our “Selves” again we begin to think about putting our toes back in the water, and I don’t mean kicking off your shoes at the beach.
What I have learned on my own journey is that when you start to feel your “SELF” again, it is time to go deeper into the journey of self-discovery so that you can truly tap in and tune into the life you really want to live. It’s not just about feeling “okay” again, to where you aren’t having daily PTSD attacks and constant rumination. This isn’t about surviving abuse or neglect. It is about thriving. What do you need to truly thrive in your life?
We often believe that we need a mate to thrive. We believe having a good mate will bring us the happiness we seek. But this is so far from the truth. The happiness we seek can only be found within, and a good mate will only be a compliment to the great life you have already created. So, if you are not already thriving and living a life you love, you may not be ready to share your life with someone else.
Things have changed. Times have changed. Have you noticed? In a 2022 Census Study, it was reported that nearly 50% of American Adults are Single. These statistics are very different from what might have been reported 50 years ago, when being married was an expectation of society. Now days being married or partnered is clearly a choice and many people are choosing to focus on their own lives, finding fulfillment and satisfaction in their relationship with themselves.
When we enter a state of desperation for a relationship, we are looking to another person to do something for us, or bring something to us. This never works. Nobody outside of your SELF can ever offer you what you need to be happy. This can only be found within. Although companionship can be great and special, companionship with the wrong mate, as you probably have experienced, can be painful and destructive.
When we seek for a mate out of desperation, we attract a desperate mate. And guess what? Narcissists are desperate mates, who always need to be in a relationship, because they always need to be validated by another. So one way to avoid attracting another narcissist is to be so self-loving, happy and content in your own life, you don’t need anyone. People like this are not good supply for a narcissist.
You may have heard that when you don’t need anyone in your life, and are happy and content with yourself, this is when you are most likely to attract a great relationship. But any inkling of neediness or desperation will put you on the radar of those who are also needy and desperate.
