Many of the people I work with who are coming out of toxic relationships, with narcissistic partners, are often more interested in learning why they keep attracting these types of relationships than anything else.  If you are interested in having a healthy relationship, changing your toxic relationship patterns is really where you need to focus your attention.  Listen to this Podcast Below:

Our relationship patterns usually begin in early childhood.  They emerge from the type of relationship we had with our parents.  If we got our needs met on a consistent basis and what type of attachment style we developed.  Our relationship patterns also stem from the level of self-esteem and self-worth we have and what core wounds we have developed.

It is important to understand that because of early childhood dynamics we are attracted to the toxic relationship partner more so than any other potential available partner.  Because that person feels so familiar.  Or rather we feel a lot like we did in our family of origin or with a toxic or unavailable parent.

There is something we call a pattern match.  Which is when your subconscious mind recognizes a match between the energy of a primary family member and a potential relationship partner and chemistry is produced.  So if you find yourself saying “I’m not really attracted to healthy partners,” or “Yes, but I had chemistry with him, or her,” it is due to a pattern match.

Pattern matches in relationships are made when something feels familiar or similar to a primary family relationship.  If you had a parent who was unsupportive, abusive, judgmental or fault finding, for example, your subconscious mind will recognize that same type of energy in a potential mate and it will produce a chemical reaction that you then interpret as attraction.

If you were to meet someone who had completely different energy from a toxic parent, and is instead someone who would be loving, caring, and supportive, you would not subconsciously sense a pattern match and could easily disqualify that person as a potential mate.  The concerning thing about this, is that the mates that would end up being the best matches for you, aren’t recognized by your subconscious mind as a match.  You won’t feel that intense chemistry and desire to be with that person.

You won’t be able to change your subconscious pattern match system until you change your relationship patterns with yourself and the primary parent, whether that parent is living or gone.  This is why it is important to learn about what your core wounds are and work to heal them.