Co-parenting suggest co-operation in parenting the children with the best interest of the children as the primary focus.
Narcissists don’t put the best interest of the children ahead of their own self-interests. This is truly unfortunate and of course, we can all agree it shouldn’t be this way and this is really difficult for the children. But a narcissist is a narcissist and there is nothing you can do to change that.
Of course your children deserve the best. They deserve the positive, loving and supportive attention of both parents. In “normal” divorce situations, the children come first and the needs of the children are the focus. It is understood that the children deserve to have a relationship with both parents and talking bad about the other parent is a big “no no!”
Narcissists, however, don’t follow the “normal” rules of co-parenting. For them it is all about winning. And the children become pawns in a game where the narcissist needs to win the favor of the children and will do so at all cost including manipulating and lying to their own children to turn them against the other parent. There is no co-operation or actual concern for the children’s well-being. It is about the needs of the narcissist, as usual!
The narcissist needs to be seen as “the good parent” and therefore must cast the other parent into the role of “the bad parent.” The kids get caught in the middle, struggling against the unspoken need of the narcissist for loyalty by aligning with them against the other parent.
I have seen so many cases of parental alienation where the narcissistic parent demands loyalty in return for attention and money. When you have a Narcissistic Father who was also the primary bread winner for the family, while the Mother stayed home and cared for the children and the home, the Father has much more money and resources than the Mother. The Narcissistic Father uses this against the children, spoiling them with whatever they ask for in exchange for their loyalty.
The non-narcissistic Mother, has devoted her life to caring for the children, and doesn’t have the resources to spoil the children. She also has the understanding that it is not in the best interest of her children to give them whatever they want. She sometimes ends up witnessing her own children turning against her and becoming abusive towards her just as her narcissistic husband was. She has no recourse. By the time she realizes what is happening the damage has been done and there is little she can do to reverse it.
Now there are many cases where the Mother keeps the children from the Father, either because she sees he is bad for the children, or she is the narcissist and plays the same game. She may be hostile towards the children, or withdraw love and affection from them if they express interest or excitement in seeing their Father.
Whether the narcissist is the Mother, the Father or both, it isn’t good for the children. They never win.
Having a narcissistic parent is very damaging to a child. Because the narcissistic parent uses his or her children to get his or her needs met. The role of the parents should be to meet the needs of the child, not the other way around, but in cases of narcissism it is the other way around. The children end up jumping through hoops to get the love, approval, validation or attention of the unavailable, narcissistic parent. They may walk on eggshells around that parent, or feel the parent is fragile and they do what they can not to upset the parent.
Narcissistic parents breed either narcissists or co-dependents. The young narcissists learn how to manipulate their parents to get what they want. The co-dependents learn to take care of the needs of the parent to get what they need. Either way, it is seldom that emotionally healthy children will come out of a family with one or both narcissistic parents.
I would say that having one healthy, loving parent is enough to save a child and give him or her a good foundation, but usually when one parent is narcissistic, the other is a co-dependent, enabler which is also unhealthy. If the co-dependent begins to seek health prior to the divorce there is a chance for that child to learn from the healthier parent.
Often by the time the non-narcissistic parent finds her way to me, she is already healing her dysfunctional patterns of enabling and co-dependency. She is deeply concerned for the well-being of her children and would do anything to help them.
She may, however still have unrealistic expectations of the narcissistic parent, believing he must, ultimately have the best interests of the children at heart. She asks the question “how is it possible that his children are not the most important thing to him?” “How would he not want to put the best interests of his children first?”
She may be able to wrap her mind around the reality that her ex-husband, the Father of her children, doesn’t love her, but how can he not love his own children? This can be a very difficult reality to accept.
Many people grow up with narcissistic parents. Even people who grow up not realizing they had a narcissistic parent until they were in their forties or fifties. We survive! We make it through. We are resilient.
Trust in that resiliency with your children, and remember the power of love to grow healthy, happy kids.
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