Covert Narcissism is very common in the world today and it is also the most dangerous. An overt narcissist is like the snake on the path that is in full view. Where a covert narcissist is the one hiding in the grass that you don’t see.
We can spot overt narcissism pretty easily. It is the type of narcissism that is much more obvious. It is the guy who is clearly egotistical, needs to be the center of attention, always boasting about himself, and clearly sees himself as superior. Overt basically means “out in the open and easily identified.”
Covert narcissism, on the other hand, is hidden. It is not obvious to people. Covert narcissists are snakes in the grass, that you don’t see until it is too late.
In my twenty years working with narcissistic abuse, I would have to say the majority of my clients were dealing with covert narcissists. Covert narcissists often present as quiet, shy, introverted, don’t seem to want to be in the spotlight, or be the life of the party. They tend to be more on the sidelines, quietly observing.
Although some covert narcissists are extroverted and more engaged, they just don’t appear to be egotistical and full of themselves. They may seem humble, attentive, caring and even empathetic. They present very well. Which is why covert narcissism is the most dangerous. We simply don’t see it.
There are people who believe they can spot a narcissist a mile away. But this isn’t always the case. They may be able to spot an overt narcissist a mile or two away, but the covert variety are really quite hard to spot initially. In order to uncover a covert narcissist you need some tools in your toolbox.
A covert narcissist is still a narcissist. They have fragile egos, seek after attention and admiration, even if in covert ways, they are egocentric, have a hidden sense of superiority, they lack empathy, they are quietly arrogant, grandiose, superficial and harbor hidden envy toward others.
The tools we need in our tool box to spot a covert narcissist are good relationship skills. If you are interested in dating someone, be sure to get to know them on deeper levels and ask the right questions.
Covert narcissists will get you to talk about yourself, which makes you feel they are interested in you. They may seem very attentive, and care about what you have to say. But what they are really doing is taking the attention off themselves and their own superficiality. They are also taking notes to see if you would be good supply. Are you giving them sufficient ammunition to control you with later?
Focusing on others is also a very powerful relationship building tool. If you read the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” by Dale Carnegie, he talks about the importance of focusing on the other person, asking questions and getting them to talk about themselves. Covert narcissists have figured this out, on the most part. All they need to do is focus on YOU and you may think they are truly interested in who you are. That will likely hook you in and cause you to form a positive opinion of who they are.
Covert narcissists can and do talk about themselves as well. They may appear vulnerable and reveal their wounds and challenges, which is another method they use to hook you. You end up feeling like you are bonding with them as you both share your vulnerabilities. Little do you know your vulnerabilities will be used against you later. This is a very deceptive form of narcissism.
The kinds of questions you need to ask a dating prospect is “why do you feel your last relationship didn’t work out and what might you have done differently?” “What do you feel is your biggest challenge to having a successful relationship?” “How do you (or did you) feel about that?” “What are you really looking for in a relationship?” Observe and see if they take any responsibility or are in anyway accountable in their past relationships.
Use the Dale Carnegie method and ask as many questions as you can without sounding like you are interviewing them for a job. Slip these questions into normal conversation but be sure to put yourself into the drivers seat where you do ask a lot of questions. Pay attention to body language and if it feels they are getting uncomfortable. Watch your own feelings and reactions. If you sense they are uncomfortable, do you want to apologize or make them feel better?
If a person you are dating does anything out of integrity, call them on it right away. This will expose the lions share of covert narcissists. For example, if they say they will meet you at 6pm and they don’t show up until 6:30 and you’ve been waiting for a half hour, don’t just let it slide. Especially if they didn’t call you to explain. If they call and say there was an accident and they are stuck in traffic, and will be there as soon as they can, that is different. But if they waltz in late without an apology or explanation, let them know how you feel.
Telling a covert narcissist how you feel about something they did or are doing, will start to expose the narcissism. Narcissists don’t like to be wrong. It triggers their hidden core shame. So they will try and manipulate the situation where they are innocent of any wrong doing. This may involve projecting and making it about you being uptight, or hyper punctual, or something else. They may also be dismissive of your concerns by saying something like “yeah, I ran late at work, but I’m here now.” If they were in their integrity they would call you if running late at work and let you know. That would give you the option of meeting at a later time or rescheduling.
Narcissists lack empathy, so they don’t think about what your experience might be. They only think about their own experience. So you could be waiting 45 minutes for them and they don’t consider what that would be like for you. In their superiority, they are worth waiting for.
With covert narcissism you may not see narcissistic behavior right away. They may be very attentive, punctual, and do all the right things. But the ability to love bomb and hide toxic behavior rarely makes it past four months. So be sure not to get serious about anyone for at least four months. Dating or courting is the period of time you are supposed to get to know someone. You can’t assume someone is who they present themselves to be in the beginning. They need to stand the test of time. And this is the best tool you have in your tool kit. Give it time.
During your dating period, don’t be afraid to tell them how you feel about any “bad behavior.” Ask them forthright questions such as “are you dating anyone else?” Although they may answer your questions in a reasonable manner at first, they may start to get frustrated with your inquisitiveness and your “feelings” after a few months.
Although a covert narcissist will come on strong in the beginning like any narcissist does, it is for the reason of securing supply. They will love bomb like the best of them, and make you feel like you have finally struck gold. But the truth will come out in time. Be sure to take your time, be patient and realize you are in a weeding out process whenever you date. You simply may not be able to spot a covert narcissism in the beginning.
It is also important to note that a covert narcissist doesn’t know he/she is a narcissist. They think they are normal. So they aren’t intentionally trying to pull the wool over your eyes even if they hide things from you. They don’t know they are looking for supply. Like most people, they are just looking for ideal love. They believe if they find the right person, everything will be right with their world. But nobody can measure up to a narcissist’s ideal. You can’t win with a narcissist. You will always disappoint them. Because they have unrealistic expectations. And those expectations will start to come out if you give it time.
One of the most important things in learning how to spot a covert narcissist is pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Stay connected with yourself. Are you starting to feel inferior? Judged? Shamed? A burden? Difficult? Flawed?
In a healthy, nurturing relationship, you will feel supported and loved. You won’t suddenly feel like you somehow don’t measure up. You won’t start to feel like you are “less than.” Remember Covert narcissists, like all narcissists, will likely put you on a pedestal in the beginning and you might start to feel like you can do no wrong. But those pedestals are short lived. When you get ripped off, you will know it. You will start to feel differently. And the narcissist will start to express dissatisfaction with you. Don’t take it personally. It isn’t you.
Learn to trust yourself and your own feelings. Your deeper intuition is the best guide you have. Learn to trust it and you will flesh out the covert narcissists before they have a chance to turn your world upside down.
