Do You Have Abandonment Issues?  Fear of Abandonment and the Abandonment Wound

Many people coming out of relationships with narcissistic people suffer from abandonment issues.  A deep abandonment wound may be at the core of the anxiety suffered with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

In normal relationships, although fear of abandonment may be present, the abandonment wound is not triggered the way it is in a relationship with a narcissist.  This is because a narcissist is constantly threatening abandonment, devaluing, and discarding.  Breakups can be abrupt and not make any sense.  You could be happily going along one day and the next everything changes.

The abandonment wound may never be completely healed, but you have something to work with if you understand it.

When we get involved in a primary, intimate relationship, we build our life around this person.  They are a part of our daily life, someone we share the ups and downs with.  Our significant other becomes a part of our stability.

But sometimes we may lean in a bit too much to a relationship where if they step out, we fall over.  This is where abandonment hurts the worst.  We lose our sense of stability because we have given too much of our power away to the other person.

There is also the danger of codependently focusing too much on the other person and not staying tuned in to yourself. When we have been conditioned to truly build our life around the other, and not pay enough attention to our wants, needs, and desires, we are at high risk of falling over if that person leaves the relationship.

With abandonment issues, we need to bring the focus of our attention back to ourselves and stop focusing on what the other person did or is doing.  The neuro-pathways in our brain may be wired to be completely absorbed in the actions and behavior of the other, but if we are to heal, we have to bring the focus back to ourselves.

It is helpful to admit to yourself that you are feeling abandoned and that feeling of abandonment is triggering deep pain and anxiety in you.  The key is to not abandon yourself.  Stay with yourself and ask yourself what you need right now.  Your significant other may have done some really crummy things, but focusing on that won’t help heal your pain.

Most abandonment wounds are from early childhood.  Some people may know exactly where that wound originated, but others may not.  If you look back and remember a specific event that may have caused you to develop an abandonment wound, it may be helpful to understand the origins and realize that although this wound is triggered now, it is likely an old wound.  You don’t need to know exactly where that wound originated from to identify that it is likely an old wound.  It may not feel old in the moment, but the abandonment wound is typically the result of a time when you were young and helpless, and feeling abandoned by a parent or parents was a life and death issue.

As an adult, you are capable of taking care of yourself, so abandonment is no longer a life-and-death issue.  You won’t die from being left by someone you love.  It may hurt.  But you won’t die.

Your subconscious doesn’t know this, however.  When an old abandonment wound is triggered, the subconscious reaction is the same as it was when you were a helpless child.  Your body may be flooded with adrenaline and all the fear-based chemicals that produce fight-or-flight physical responses.

This is why we often associate fear of abandonment with PTSD.  The symptoms intermingle and it can be difficult to know what is what.  When stuck in fight or flight, we experience PTSD.  And the triggered abandonment wound can cause fight or flight responses.

When coming out of a narcissistically abusive relationship, there is likely trauma from other reasons such as physical, mental or emotional abuse, neglect, and gaslighting.  This trauma also causes PTSD symptoms.  Add the abandonment wound to the mix, and you may feel like you are on adrenaline overload.  And you probably are.

Learning to be present with yourself and self-soothe, is critical at a time like this.  Instead of waiting for a narcissistic partner to come back and make everything right, you have to make things right, within yourself.  Although their returning to the relationship could temporarily offer relief because the subconscious is experiencing the return of the “parent,” the circumstances have not changed.  It is only a matter of time before the abandoning behavior of your significant other repeats itself.

When we are experiencing PTSD symptoms, however, we would do just about anything to have relief, including taking the abandoning person back, if they try to come back in.  We may even accept unacceptable conditions, such as an affair to manage our stress.

Relationships like these keep us in a high state of alert, waiting for the next shoe to drop.  We know on so many levels the relationship is not stable and does not honor us, but if we completely let go our abandonment wound becomes more intense before it gets better.  But the sad reality is you are going to go through it now or go through it later.  You may as well get some support and face the dragon now.  Because the sooner you face the dragon, the sooner you will get your nervous system regulated and can find some peace in your life again.

It is important to know that the person who is abandoning or coming and going from your life is never responsible for your peace.  They are peace disrupters.  Your mind is playing tricks on you.  You need to be able to separate that person from the abandonment pain you are feeling.  Disconnect the two.  You are feeling abandoned!  It is an old wound.  This person is triggering the wound, but this person is not the origin of the wound.

Bring your attention back to yourself and the frightened child within.  You can hold that child and soothe it, letting it know it is going to be okay.  You are here.  You are an adult.  You can look out for the child within.  You can make sure it gets comfort and connection.

The more you can bring your focus back to yourself and soothe the child within, the faster you will heal the inflamed nervous system.

Although you may never fully heal abandonment issues, you can learn to manage your feelings of abandonment and the tools and techniques needed to take good care of yourself.  When you do this you can learn to rely upon yourself and realize that you are the center of your stability, not the other person.

For immediate relief from abandonment issues, download my self hypnosis program “Healing the Abandonment Wound.”

 

 

About Kaleah LaRoche

Kaleah LaRoche is the Founder of Narcissism Free and has been working to support others in their recovery of narcissistic abuse since 2006. She has authored four books on the topic of narcissistic abuse, recovery, and traversing the dark night of the soul. A Clinical Hypnotherapist and Holistic Counselor since 1988, Kaleah brings her compassionate counseling skill and Hypnotherapy to assist in healing and recovery. Kaleah also has a popular podcast "Pandora's Box." You can go to pandoras-box-radio.com to listen.

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