Establishing Boundaries in Relationships with Narcissists

In any relationship with a narcissist – whether it’s a friendship, an intimate partnership, a family tie, or a professional association – setting robust boundaries becomes crucial.

But what exactly do we mean by boundaries? There are two primary types. The first involves being unequivocal about your “NO.” It’s about stating firmly, “No, this behavior is not acceptable to me,” or “No, I won’t tolerate this.” It’s asserting phrases like, “I don’t feel safe with your actions,” or “Cheating is a boundary I won’t condone.” It’s drawing a line against behaviors like talking behind your back, asserting that it’s unacceptable and won’t be entertained.

The second type of boundary is internal or psychic, where you learn to resist absorbing someone else’s projections. Narcissists are adept at projection, blaming you for what they themselves are guilty of. With strong internal boundaries, you can say, “No, this isn’t my responsibility,” or “I won’t accept blame for your actions.”

Moreover, when faced with the silent treatment or stonewalling, internal boundaries help recognize that the narcissist’s behavior is not your burden to fix. It allows you to step away and prioritize your well-being, leaving the toxic environment they create.

Most highly empathic or sensitive individuals tend to absorb emotions easily, feeling the weight of the room and assuming it’s their own. Narcissists thrive on this and would love for you to internalize their emotions, shifting blame onto you. But with stronger energetic boundaries, one can differentiate between their emotions and those projected onto them.

Learning about boundaries and how to implement them might initially feel like gaining a new superpower. However, it’s essential to acknowledge that narcissists don’t respect boundaries; they consistently disregard, trample over, or sidestep them.

Reflecting on a personal experience from my youth when I was in a narcissistic relationship, I attempted to articulate my needs to my partner. I conveyed how my needs were unmet and expected a mature conversation about it. But in a healthy relationship, not in a narcissistic one, my partner’s response was dismissive. He shifted the responsibility onto me, asking, “What are YOU going to do about it?” I was unprepared for such a response, as I had yet to realize that a healthy conversation wasn’t on the cards in this dynamic.

Despite my efforts to salvage the relationship, I eventually reached a breaking point. It became clear that staying meant sacrificing my emotional well-being. The realization struck hard when, after leaving, I witnessed my former partner swiftly moving on to someone else, causing me immense distress.

It took time to understand that a narcissist’s capacity for care is limited to themselves. They prioritize their needs over yours, and this truth can be emotionally taxing to accept. Setting boundaries with a narcissist often means being ready to walk away because they won’t respect those boundaries.

Establishing a boundary is akin to drawing a line in the sand. If that line is crossed and no action follows, it sends a message that it’s acceptable to ignore your limits. For instance, if your boundary is “I’ll leave if you cheat,” then be ready to follow through if it happens. If “devaluation” is your line, be prepared to act when it occurs.

Unfortunately, with narcissists, leaving may be the only effective way to enforce a boundary. Understanding this harsh reality is vital to safeguard your emotional health when dealing with such individuals.

 

About Kaleah LaRoche

Kaleah LaRoche is the Founder of Narcissism Free and has been working to support others in their recovery of narcissistic abuse since 2006. She has authored four books on the topic of narcissistic abuse, recovery, and traversing the dark night of the soul. A Clinical Hypnotherapist and Holistic Counselor since 1988, Kaleah brings her compassionate counseling skill and Hypnotherapy to assist in healing and recovery. Kaleah also has a popular podcast "Pandora's Box." You can go to pandoras-box-radio.com to listen.

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