Abandonment is one of the Universal Fears shared by every living being.  We often have this feeling like we were dropped off on this strange planet and left here.  We often feel disconnected and alone, craving that connection to something beyond our reach.  We may find some comfort and connection in our human relationships, but even in these relationships we often feel abandoned, left behind, unwanted and unloved.  Healing the Abandonment Wound can be difficult, but it is a worthwhile journey to take.

The Abandonment Wound is a FEAR!  And it contains within it many fears!  There is the fear of being left behind.  The fear of being unlovable!  The fear of being unwanted!  The fear that who you are doesn’t matter!  The fear of being Alone!  And the Fear of Losing a familiar comfort.

The first layer of abandonment fear is the deepest layer that comes with the separation from what we will call “oneness.”

When we are in the Mother’s womb we are connected to life, to source, to the Mother and all of our needs are automatically provided for.  From a spiritual angle, when we are one with divinity, with God and all that is, we are also in “Oneness.”

When we are born onto this planet, we are born into separation, and it could seem quite violent upon entry.  We go from a safe, warm, connected place and born into chaos.  One of the first things that happens is the umbilical cord is cut to the Mother and we are on our own.  Often we are taken away from the Mother, poked, prodded and examined under what would likely feel like rather hostile circumstances.

We have a subconscious, and super-conscious memory of being in that oneness, and suddenly we are in separation.  As little children, we cling to our Mothers in effort to feel safe and connected but we soon learn we are separate from the Mother.

So the first layer of the abandonment wound is separation from Oneness and separation from the Mother.

As life unfolds we form attachments to others and when those attachments are threatened, or we believe they are threatened, we experience the second layer of the abandonment wound.  Attachment!  We may fear that we can’t live without that person whom we are attached to.  We may fear our existence would be meaningless without them.

We have two different layers of abandonment pain.  The deeper, primal layer and the attachment layer.  And both layers are typically going to be present with people when they are in abandonment pain.

Often times when someone loses their spouse to death, they feel abandoned by that spouse.  The thought is “how could you die and leave me here?”  It may not be logical.  Abandonment pain isn’t logical.  It is a deep, emotional pain that comes from separation and loss.

Of course abandonment pain is triggered with divorce and separation in a primary relationship, more so with the partner who is being left, or cheated on, or divorced.  The one who leaves, may feel abandonment pain too, because the person they are leaving has been a primary attachment for so long.  But one who leaves a partner for someone else may feel comforted by the new attachment which will alleviate the pain of loss to the partner they are separating from.

What can we do about the abandonment wound?  How can we heal it?

First of all you have to recognize that it is there.  You will need to understand how the fear is showing up in your life.  Where are you feeling abandoned, discarded, unloved, unwanted, and left alone?  When do you feel it the strongest?  With whom do you feel it the strongest.  Is this a pattern in your primary relationships?  How is or was your relationship with your Mother or primary care givers in childhood?  Do you have any deep abandonment memories in these relationships?

After you do a deep dive into your own understanding of yourself and how abandonment pain shows up in your life, you can work to heal it.

Here are some ways you can begin right now to heal abandonment pain.

1. 1. Self Soothing!  If you didn’t feel soothed as a child when you were feeling separated, isolated, left alone or hurt, you may not have learned how to soothe yourself.  Soothing yourself involves calming yourself down when you are anxious, talking to yourself in a soothing manner, and doing things that regulate you are your nervous system, such as deep breathing, going for a walk in nature, meditation, and prayer.
   2. Inner Child Healing! We all have a child within us.  The subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between the past, present and future, so any traumatic experiences in childhood that resulted in an abandonment wound, are still alive and well on the level of the subconscious.  So we need to connect with that child we once were and offer that child love, connection and positive attention.  It may involve holding a stuffed animal and imagining you are hugging and holding the child.  It may involve talking gently and lovingly to that inner child and letting it know everything is going to be okay.  You need to learn to provide a safe container for that child so it can feel secure within that container.  And most importantly you don’t want to abandon your own inner child by ignoring it’s cries for attention.
   3. Spiritual practice. If you think about the deepest layers of abandonment pain coming from separation from source, it would make sense that connection to the source could resolve the issues.  If you can find ways to enter into the field of “Oneness” through meditation, breathwork, and/or being in nature, you may be able to feel connected to source again.  Often times my hypnotherapy clients enter into this feeling of divine connection during their sessions and feel a deep sense of relaxation and peace.  They also feel that sense of “oneness.”  So we can find this connection within ourselves, we just need to practice deep relaxation and visualization that we are “in the light of love,” or “in the light of the divine.”
   4. Foster deeper connections with others. Although I feel that the best way to heal abandonment pain is to connect with SELF and Source, or GOD, other people can also offer a lot of strength, love and comfort, if you find the right people.  When you foster deeper connections with others, you won’t feel so alone and disconnected.  Going to meditation groups, prayer groups, breathwork classes, therapy groups and other healing type of groups, you will likely begin to foster feelings of connection within these groups.  Stay connected to others!
   5. Work one-on-one with healers and therapists who are not afraid of deep connection. You can get a massage, have a therapy session of some kind, do hypnotherapy or anything that causes you to feel nurtured and connected.
   6. Go hiking in nature. I talk a lot about being in nature, but taking a long hike in the wilderness, either alone or with someone and just allow yourself to take in the majesty of nature, can give you a sense of “oneness” or connection with nature.  You may realize that you are not so alone.  You are a part of this vast Universe. 

It is also very important to realize that one other human being is not your only source of love or connection.  There are many people seeking connection with others.  As human beings we are all about connecting.  Many people feel lonely, isolated and disconnected but this is typically their own doing.  They may isolate themselves out of lack of trust in others, lack of trust in God, and even lack of trust in themselves.  They may see others as a threat rather than a source of connection.  So, if you are seeking connection and don’t want to feel so alone in your life, you need to reach out and connect with others.  There are many good people in the world who would love to connect with you.  You simply need to make the effort.

As you have a deeper bond with yourself, and your own inner child as well as your own higher self, you will naturally have deeper connections with others.  It all starts at home with the SELF.  And this is what most people I work with struggle with.  It is so easy to focus outside of ourselves, to reach out to that person we perceive as abandoning us and trying to get our needs for connection met out there.

I encourage you to face those fears within yourself and if you have an intense abandonment wound that is showing up in your current relationship, I would encourage you to bring your attention back to yourself.  Focus on healing your abandonment wound by using the methods I described.

For more information please listen to my entire podcast on Healing the Abandonment Wound!

I have also created an audio hypnosis download for Healing the Abandonment Wound.