One of the biggest concerns people have when they come to me for help and support is a recognition that they have a destructive relationship pattern. They may have a pattern of being with narcissistic and/or addicts and when they finally extract themselves from one bad relationship, they find themselves getting involved in another.
Sometimes the pain of withdrawal from a toxic relationship is so strong that when another opportunity for “love” presents itself people are inclined to risk all and jump, just so they can feel good again, even if for a short time. It is typical in these types of situations to go into denial and imagine, just as the narcissist does, that this new relationship will be so much better than the old one. Of course, during the honeymoon or love bombing stage, it may seem that way. But most of us, by now, realize that the love bombing/honeymoon stage of a relationship is very deceptive. It isn’t based on reality. Only fantasy.
The first thing we need to realize in breaking toxic relationship patterns is to take a good hard look at our own romantic fantasy life. If you look back at previous relationships, what kinds of things did you fantasize about in the beginning? And how much did that relationship match your idealistic fantasies, in the beginning?
The second thing to look at is how quickly you may dismiss kind-hearted, caring and loving partners because you just don’t “feel” it. You don’t have the same active romantic fantasy life going on. You don’t sit around imagining your life together with this person, questioning how they feel about you, and if they might feel the same about you as you do about them.
What we really need to take a good hard look at is our own level of emotional maturity. Many are stuck in a juvenile, teenager or young love stage when it comes to romantic relationships, when what we really need in our lives is to grow up.
I know this is hard to hear. We don’t want to see ourselves as emotionally immature. But if you continue to attract emotionally underdeveloped or immature relationships, you may need to look at your own emotional maturity.
In all honesty, emotional maturity is a huge issue in our society. We have over developed intellects and under developed emotions. Our IQ is high and our EQ is low. This is why we see so many intelligent narcissists. They have high IQ’s but very low EQ’s or emotional intelligence.
Now you may have a higher EQ than your narcissistic counterpart, which allows you to see their emotional maturity as low. But you may need to uplevel your emotional maturity in order to be interested in a more emotionally mature partner.
Listen to the podcast for the full episode….
