As a healer and counselor for people who have gone through the painful experience of Narcissist Abuse, I have seen it all.  I tend to approach recovery from a spiritual angle and use shamanic practices such as soul retrieval and psychic cord cutting in my work, but the one thing that bothers me more than anything is spiritual bypass.

Spiritual bypass is when someone uses spiritual language or ideals which result in invalidating someone’s reality.  It is when spiritual principals are used to avoid dealing with reality.  And spiritual bypass is used by both the abused and those who the abused come in contact with.

Examples of spiritual bypass are when someone says:

• You are not a victim of abuse.  There are no victims.
• I’m sure he/she didn’t mean to do those things.  They are just wounded.
• He/she is really a beautiful soul underneath.
• Cutting off contact is just avoidance.
• Aren’t we all narcissistic?
• I think the word narcissist is overused by people who are hurt.
• If you spot it you got it.  Maybe you are the narcissist.
• I’m sure you will be able to be friends with that person in time.
• Maybe you just weren’t a good match.
• How could you cut off contact with a parent, or sibling?  They are your family!
• They seem like such a nice person.
• That person seems to have moved on, why don’t you?
• That person is dating someone else, you should too!
• Why can’t you just get over it!

The people who typically say these kinds of things can be well meaning, but ignorant.  They just don’t understand what you are dealing with, and also don’t understand that they are really invalidating your reality.  You may have just had your life turned upside down, experienced the worst gaslighting, manipulation, blame, accusations, devaluing, discarding and other things that have caused you to have post traumatic stress disorder, or trigger a pre-existing complex PTSD response.  Those who say these kinds of things don’t only NOT understand narcissistic abuse, but they don’t understand complex PTSD and the need for victims of abuse to protect themselves by removing themselves from the threat.

What most people don’t understand is there is a real lack of consciousness in a narcissistic individual where they don’t feel the effects of the breakup in the same way the non-narcissistic person does.

Narcissists deny responsibility for their actions and behavior.  They deny their own pain, project it onto those who trigger them and blame that person for everything that goes wrong in the relationship, including the breakup.  They immediately start looking for a new relationship, never taking time to reflect on the one they are leaving. Or worse yet, they have already groomed several “new relationship potentials” while they were with you and just make a lateral move over to someone who picks up the pieces for them.

These relationships are highly toxic and crazy making.  And the only way to truly heal is to create a safe, nurturing and supportive environment for yourself during your long period of recovery.  Surround yourself with people who truly do support you and can offer you the validation and insight that you need to truly recover.

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