How to Spot a Covert Narcissist

A Podcast by Kaleah

I want to talk about how to spot a covert narcissist because this is the most dangerous type of narcissism.  This is because covert, means hidden.  And when people say they can spot a narcissist a mile away, it isn’t likely going to be the covert variety.

Overt narcissists are easy to spot a mile away, because they command a lot of attention.  They can be loud, boisterous, openly egocentric, full of themselves, the life of the party, talkative, don’t appear to be attentive or to listen to what anyone else has to say.  They need to dominate the conversation and are very self-important.

But the covert narcissist is a whole different story.  A covert narcissist may appear to be shy, introverted, quiet, and more in the background observing than the forefront, entertaining.  They can appear to be good listeners, empathetic, kind, caring and attentive.  They most often don’t appear to be egotistical or self-centered.  At least not at first.

I like to describe the overt narcissist as the snake you see up ahead on the trail vigorously rattling it’s tail and giving you enough warning to get out of the way.  The covert narcissist is the snake in the grass that you don’t see.  This is why we call it covert.  It is hidden.

I’ve known many covert narcissists and they never appeared to want to be in the center of attention, but I found out later that they had a lot of envy of the attention I was getting for my work.  I was with a covert narcissist once and I had a musical performance in which I received a lot of positive feedback, admiration and praise.  Later, after we left he was silent and angry and then he said “I want that.”  My response was “you want what?”  He said “I want the attention you are getting.”

I was pretty shocked, because what he was really telling me is that he is envious of my accomplishments, to the point where he was angry at me and giving me the silent treatment.  He did not fully realize how hard I had worked to get to where I was musically.

I had been playing music since childhood and had gained a degree of accomplishment that people admired.  This man just wanted the admiration and adoration without earning it through his own efforts.

A covert narcissist will surprise you like that, but it is typically after the love-bombing stage has ended.  In the beginning they are one of your biggest admirers.  They will praise you for your gifts, your talents, and your hard work.  They will praise you for your beauty, and how well you take care of yourself.  They will tell you that they have never known anyone like you.  You are amazing.  And you may really appreciate being seen in that light.  You might think “finally someone sees my beauty, my talent, and my magnificence.”

We all want to be seen, and if we come from a family where we felt overlooked, ignored, invisible, neglected, or received negative attention rather than positive attention, we are hungry to be seen, adored, and valued.  This is a normal, human need.

Although both overt and covert narcissists can come on strong in the beginning, showering you with praise, attention, admiration and adoration, the overt narcissist will do things that kind of shock you from the beginning.  He may take you to a party and ignore you while he is playing his “life of the party” role.  He may not introduce you to any of his friends.  He may be rude to the waitress who is serving your dinner.  He may be late picking you up and act like it’s no big deal.  He may come across as arrogant, egotistical and full of himself.  On your first couple dates it is clear he is his favorite subject and won’t stop talking about himself.  He also may openly put others down, displaying his obvious superiority.  He may be open about how he feels about all the people who are clearly inferior to him.

It is the covert narcissist we really connect with.  We often have really open conversations in the beginning.  They appear normal.  You may feel you have a lot in common.  You may feel they are ideally suited to be with you.  They can be exciting and charismatic, in their own way.  They can seem gentle, romantic, considerate.  What’s not to love?

Listen to the entire podcast here….

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