Often times when we are coming out of toxic or abusive relationship dynamics, we need to take a good, hard, honest look at ourselves. We need to be willing to look deeply at our own character defects and the things we ourselves are doing that are contributing to the negative and painful relationship patterns we are finding ourselves in.
It isn’t just about the choices we make. It is about who we are, our own level of mental and emotional health, and how we might be using childhood coping and defense mechanisms to deal with our adult problems.
We need to come to the understanding that those defenses and coping mechanisms were necessary for our survival as a child, but they no longer work for us. We are adults and we need to learn how to adopt new ways of being in the world. We need to develop emotional maturity and emotional intelligence.
Most people I work with, who are coming out of toxic relationships with a significant other, a family member or a whole family system, a coworker, a boss, or a friend, recognize on some level that they have been codependent in these relationships.
In my experience many people don’t have a full understanding of what it means to be codependent, which is why I recommend entering a twelve step recovery program for codependency. The twelve step workbook for codependency, which is a green workbook that you can find on Amazon or at the CODA.org website, is an amazing tool to help you develop a deeper understanding of what being codependent looks like and get really honest with yourself about your own codependency.
Some will say “I’m not codependent, I am an empath or a highly sensitive person.” It may be true that you are an empath and/or a highly sensitive person, however if you have not yet learned how to have strong psychic and emotional boundaries, you are likely codependent as well. If you are trying to fix, change or heal someone else, you are likely codependent. If you need another to change in order to feel better about yourself, you are likely codependent. If you find yourself controlling or manipulating others in order to get what you want, you are likely codependent. If you find yourself always blaming the other and not taking responsibility for your role in a toxic relationship, you are likely codependent. If you find yourself hyper-focused on “the other person,” either during a relationship or after it ends, you are likely codependent.
Some people believe codependency is the act of being dependent on another. This is not necessarily true. In my own experience, I am fiercely independent. I get by just find without a primary attachment in my life. I may want to have somebody special in my life, but I function very well on my own. In fact, in my experience, I have functioned at a much higher level on my own. It is when I get involved in relationships that my codependency shows itself. So it isn’t about needing to have that other person in your life. It is more about what happens when you do have that other person, especially if that person is an addict or narcissist.
Many codependents have very enmeshed and dysfunctional relationships with their family of origin, still. They haven’t broken free and claimed their sovereignty from their family. They haven’t fully given themselves permission to be who they are. They are still trying to fit the mold, so to speak, that their family wants them to fit into. So if you find yourself trying to conform to somebody else’s ideals, you are likely codependent.
Recovery from codependency is about giving yourself permission to be yourself, flaws and all. It is about letting go of the need to be perfect and accept progress instead. It is about learning to love yourself, even when you are not perfect. You come to realize that the perfection you are seeking is an old narcissistic program that was imposed on you that has nothing to do with you.
If you find yourself coming out of a toxic, narcissistic relationship, and are hyper-focused on the narcissist, it is time to return to yourself and your own recovery. The narcissist is not your higher power. He or she doesn’t have the answers for your life, nor can that person restore you to sanity. You can’t look to the hurter to be the healer. It doesn’t work!
