Love bombing is a term used frequently in the world of narcissism and narcissistic abuse. You may wonder what the meaning of love bombing is? Why is it important to know about it? Why should those who are in the dating world learn to spot it?
Love bombing is when someone comes on very strongly with what seems like the pure intention of securing you as a relationship partner. They may be very romantic in the beginning, text you frequently, call you every day, bring you flowers and gifts, express deep interest in you as a person, and really place you on a pedestal.
When someone is love bombing, you may feel you can do no wrong. You may feel completely loved and adored and believe this person will always treat you this way. You might be told that they have never met anyone like you before. You are really special. You are their soulmate, or twin flame or “the one” they have been waiting for their entire life.
All this positive attention can be difficult to resist. We all like to feel special. We all want to be wanted. We all love to be loved. And during the love bombing state of a relationship, we get it all. And this is why it is so shocking when the other shoe drops and we go from being idealized and place upon a pedestal, to ripped off our pedestal, often overnight, and are devalued.
The idealization and devaluation stages of a relationship are common with people who have Cluster B personality disorders and high levels of narcissism. It is likely that these toxic behaviors come from the disordered person’s need for ideal love. This need causes them to project their ideal onto their prospective partners.
Rather than seeing who you really are, narcissistic people paint an idealized image onto you and fall in love with this image. When you don’t measure up to their image, meaning you say or do something that is outside the box of their ideal person, they are disappointed and take their disappointment out on you by devaluing you. Suddenly you are not that ideal person anymore. You are a big disappointment, perhaps the way a parent or parents were. They did not ideally meet their needs and therefore they seek after someone who will.
Of course, none of this is your fault. There is nobody on earth who can measure up to a narcissist’s idealized image. Because this means you wouldn’t have needs or feelings of your own. You would exist only to serve the narcissist, never confront them about anything, never have your own opinions, always focus on them and their needs, and always feed their fragile ego with words of how great and wonderful they are.
Although there are some codependent people who deny their own feelings and needs to serve a narcissist, they still must endure the wrath of the narcissist, and they likely fell off the pedestal in the first three months of their relationship. They stay because of their own fears and insecurities.
Love bombing is short lived. It usually lasts a few months at most. Once the devaluation begins, you may start to see a cycle of idealization and devaluation continue for the rest of the relationship. You may find yourself believing that the aspect of the personality that idealizes you is the real person, and the part that devalues you is not real. But this is not true. The idealization is a projection of a narcissist’s “perfect” person, which is unrealistic. The devaluation phase is the disappointment that you are not perfectly meeting the needs of the narcissist. This is an abuse cycle. And with narcissists, it is ongoing.
Some people report that the “idealization” phase completely ends after the initial love bombing, and the cycle goes from neutral to abusive and back to neutral. They often stay in the relationship believing that person who initially seemed to love them, will return. Some people wait twenty, thirty years or more. But when they reflect back there is a deep sadness that they spent their life waiting for this person to show them the positive love and attention they experienced in the beginning.
Others who have been in a relationship with a narcissist, say their life is a roller coaster of idealization and devaluation. They become addicted to the idealization phase and dread it when they are devalued. They stay in the relationship because they are addicted to any bit of validation or positive crumbs of attention they might receive. They admit in the end, it was very rare they ever received the thing they were holding out for.
We typically refer to “love bombing” as the beginning or early phase of a relationship with a narcissist. The only other time loving bombing typically shows up is when the abuse victim finally decides to leave. The narcissist may start the love bombing phase again to avoid loosing his/her primary source of supply. Supply is the attention, adoration, admiration, sex, caring, and love of the primary person in his/her life.
If all attempts at love bombing fail, the narcissist will likely find another person to seduce, using the same methods.
Love bombing can be very seductive and addictive. Especially for people who didn’t get enough attention as a child. The attention and admiration coming from the narcissist, in the very beginning of a relationship is like a drug. This is such a powerful drug that people will endure extremely abusive behavior waiting to see if they might be idealized once again.
Understanding love bombing, and the idealization and devaluation stages of a relationship with a narcissist, helps victims of abuse understand what is happening so they can finally break free and begin their healing process. It takes time to come to terms with the reality of such a relationship, but the more one understands, the more easily they can say “no” to any further abuse and begin taking their power back.
