Many people search online for narcissism traits, most likely because someone they know are displaying these traits. It isn’t common that someone who is narcissistic will want to look that deeply at himself/herself to observe such traits. It is much more likely that the one who has been hurt is doing the googling.
Now if you google narcissism traits, or traits of a narcissist, you will likely get the DSM-5’s definition of narcissistic personality disorder.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association, outlines the criteria for diagnosing Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Below are the DSM-5 criteria for NPD:
- Grandiosity: A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, which may be exhibited in fantasy or behavior, as evidenced by a heightened sense of self-importance. This could include exaggerating achievements and talents, expecting to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements, and believing that one is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
- Need for Admiration: A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Lack of Empathy: A belief that one is “special” and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high-status people or institutions.
- Sense of Entitlement: A sense of entitlement, such as expecting constant praise or recognition, regardless of actual achievements.
- Interpersonal Exploitation: A tendency to exploit others for personal gain, often without regard for their feelings or needs.
- Envy and Arrogance: A tendency to be envious of others or believe that others are envious of oneself. Additionally, there may be displays of arrogant or haughty behaviors or attitudes.
These narcissism traits and behaviors must be enduring and pervasive across a range of situations, causing significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
But let’s move beyond the DSM-5 and get down to the nitty-gritty on narcissism. Narcissism is very prevalent in our society. People are socialized and conditioned to be narcissistic. We are living in a “ME” culture. We are living in the age of social media and selfies. People can get so self-absorbed that they don’t think about others and what is going on for them. This is an example of a lack of empathy. When one can only think about themselves and their own dramas and concerns, without stopping to realize that others in their life are struggling too, this is a narcissistic trait.
Having narcissism traits doesn’t make one a full-blown narcissist or indicate a diagnosable personality disorder. When we live in a society where narcissism is normalized, we all become a little narcissistic.
Where narcissism becomes destructive is where you see extreme lack of empathy, grandiosity and self-importance, a strong need to control and manipulate, which includes gaslighting others, a tendency to be arrogant or envious of others, having a sense of entitlement believing they should receive special treatment, and a tendency to align only with people who see them as special, superior, or shower them with admiration.
One can have these traits and never be diagnosed as having narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is not frequently diagnosed. When I began researching narcissism, NPD was considered to affect only one percent of the population. I have no doubt that only one percent of the population is ever diagnosed with NPD. Narcissistic people don’t typically believe there is anything wrong with them. They tend to believe the problem is with everybody else. So they don’t typically seek out therapy or treatment of any kind. When they do, they use their manipulative traits to get validation from the therapist that they are “good.”
Some therapists, who really know about narcissism, will say that narcissism is a personality style, rather than a diagnosis. I tend to agree with this. We get too caught up on the diagnosis of NPD and ask the question “how do I know he/she is a narcissist?” When people ask this question, they are getting hung up on the possibility that the narcissist in their life would be diagnosed with NPD if they were evaluated by a psychologist.
Narcissism traits are pretty obvious to those who get close to the narcissistic individual. It is a set of observable character traits. All you need to do is tic the boxes. Arrogant? Check. Envious? Check. Lacks empathy? Check. Manipulative? Check.
Does someone have to have every one of the traits listed to be considered narcissistic? No!
There are also other characteristics of narcissism, such as “can’t ever be wrong. Is never accountable. Never takes responsibility for his/her actions. Tends to have a sex addiction or be addicted to a substance. Frequently cheats. Is competitive. Love bombs his/her relationship prospects. Devalues and discards his relationship partners. Creates drama through triangulation. Tends to fly into a rage. Denies his/her previous behavior. Blames his nearest and dearest for all the problems in the relationship. Tends to display cruel behavior. Can be obsessed about how people perceive him/her. Put a lot of energy into how people see him/her. Needs to be loved and adored by others. Is dismissive of other’s feelings, problems and concerns. And displays crazy-making behavior.
Does a narcissist need to display all of these characteristics and behaviors to be considered a narcissist? Once again, no. Typically a narcissistic person will display a majority of these characteristics and behaviors. But there may be a few that aren’t obvious.
Traits like lack of empathy are present in all narcissists, however.
When someone comes to me for help and support with a narcissist in their life and keeps asking the question “How do I know he/she is a narcissist,” I redirect the question. I ask why it is so important that they have a clear, definitive answer to this question.
There are some common reasons we want to know if that person is a narcissist. Most importantly, It helps us to make sense of their crazy behavior. It helps us to understand that we really aren’t going crazy. We are exposed to crazy making behavior and this makes us feel crazy.
But there is another reason people ask this question. It is a very codependent reason. If they are not a narcissist, maybe they can get help and change. And if they get help and change, I will have the relationship I want with that person.
Codependents tend to focus on the other person and their behaviors and try to fix and change them. It is codependent to believe that if you change the outside world and other people, you will feel better on the inside. As recovering codependents, we need to learn to bring our focus back to our inside world and do our own healing. We don’t have any control over the actions and behavior of another person. It doesn’t matter whether or not a person is a narcissist, by definition. If they are behaving in ways that are cruel, uncaring, dismissive, and non-supportive, why would you want them in your life?
People don’t typically change. Narcissist or not. It takes a person who recognizes a real need to change and dedicates themselves to a healing path to actually change. Change is big work, and most people aren’t up for it. Most people tend to look for someone who accepts them exactly like they are, warts and all. If there are behaviors we can’t accept in another, we are better off taking space from that person. If they are a significant other, we need to make a choice to leave the relationship or accept the current behavior.
Narcissism is a very complex set of personality characteristics that are built into the personality and not likely to change. Narcissism traits can be many. If you are observing them, let your observation skills be enough to determine whether or not you wish to stay involved with a narcissistic person.