Narcissistic Abuse Recovery is something I have been specializing in for nearly twenty years now. If you realize that you have experienced narcissistic abuse, you are probably looking for the best way to heal and recover. I would like to share what I have learned in my two decades of helping people to recover from narcissistic abuse.
First of all it is important to understand that recovery from narcissistic abuse recovery is a journey. It won’t happen overnight. There are a lot of moving parts. There are many layers. You are likely dealing with abandonment, betrayal, disbelief, heartbreak and a myriad of PTSD symptoms.
Narcissistic abuse recovery needs to address all the layers. You first need to come to terms with the reality that this person in your life, whether it be a friend, a family member or a significant other, is a narcissist.
Instead of doing a number on yourself and asking the question “how do I know for sure that this person is a narcissist,” trust your experiences. Narcissism is on a spectrum and someone can be highly narcissistic without being diagnosed with NPD or narcissistic personality disorder.
You will need to come to terms with the trauma and the reality of what you have gone through, and you will need to learn to validate your own reality. Narcissists are great at getting you to question and doubt yourself and your reality. You will need to build trust in yourself and recognize that what you experienced was real.
You will also need to understand that the actions and behavior of someone who is narcissistic don’t really have anything to do with you. It may seem really personal, but it is not. Narcissists are masters at projection and manipulation. They disown what is going on within themselves and project it onto you, trying to get you to believe that their repressed emotional baggage belongs to you. It doesn’t.
We all have our own baggage, for sure, but when with a narcissist, you may end up feeling that you have a lot of baggage you didn’t realize you had. You may be in the worst emotional pain you’ve ever been in. But what is likely happening is that you are owning the projections of the narcissist. You believe them when they tell you that you are crazy, insecure, jealous, needy, etc. These qualities actually belong to the narcissist, but they get you to believe it is yours.
So a huge part of narcissistic abuse recovery is to stop owning the projections. You may have a little insecurity, but the narcissist has a lot. You may feel a little needy, but the narcissist takes the cake. It is important to recognize that the narcissist doesn’t always openly display the characteristics they are projecting onto you. This is because they disown them. You need to disown them as well and put them back onto the narcissist.
Another issue in recovering from narcissistic abuse is to deal effectively with the PTSD or CPTSD, which is complex post traumatic stress disorder. CPTSD is responsible for the anxiety, panic, rumination, obsession, agoraphobia, low self-worth and often the rage and anger as well. However, rage and anger are also normal emotions that would emerge after being abused or hurt in any form.
Denial is another issue that is common with people coming out of narcissistic abuse. Denial is like the ice that freezes you into a state of numbness, allowing you to remain in an abusive, traumatic or painful relationship. It prevents you from seeing the truth. In a sense it keeps you believing the lie that you are telling yourself, or that the narcissist is telling you. If you believe, for example, that you are the problem in the relationship, you may stay and keep trying to fix yourself. If you tell yourself it isn’t that bad, or the narcissist means well, or any other dismissive belief, you will likely stay far too long.
When you come out of a narcissistically abusive relationship, you will have to face the truth about what has transpired, and this will require coming out of denial. You will have to accept that this person is narcissistic and you were damaged by it.
Often the pain is really intense at the beginning of a separation with a narcissist because you are coming out of denial. It is like the Novocain wearing off after getting a tooth extracted.
If you were in a romantic relationship with a narcissist and that person left you for someone else, you might be questioning your worth and value as a human being. Especially since the narcissist probably devalued you on a regular basis. It is common to ask the question “what does he/she have that I don’t have?” Your imagination can go wild, and you can imagine that the narcissist has found his/her ideal person and is now living happily, ever after. You may feel that this new man or woman has stolen your happily, ever, after. It was supposed to belong to you. The truth is, the narcissist simply goes on to repeat the same pattern with someone new.
Other layers include the need to face the feelings of betrayal and abandonment that most people have coming out of this type of relationship.
It is often necessary to get help while navigating through the difficult waters of narcissistic abuse recovery. It can be very difficult to manage on your own.
An experienced coach or counselor can help to guide you through the process of narcissistic abuse recovery so that you can get from where you are to where you want to be much quicker.
If you would like to work with me, I have nearly twenty years experience working in the field of narcissistic abuse recovery. You can learn more about my work here.
