Parental Alienation Syndrome: Understanding and Coping with the Pain
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) occurs when a parent is alienated from their child due to the manipulation and controlling behavior of another parent or spouse. While initially used to describe the estrangement of minor children from a parent, it can also apply to adult children who are distanced from their parents by a narcissistic or controlling partner.
The Role of Narcissism in Parental Alienation
Narcissism is a common factor in cases of parental alienation. During a divorce, a narcissistic ex-spouse may use children as tools for revenge, manipulating them against the other parent. If the narcissist initiates the divorce, they might demonize their former partner, starting the process of alienation early.
Children often become pawns in this dynamic, with their feelings and needs overlooked. They might align with the controlling parent out of fear or because they are manipulated and financially controlled. This alignment is driven by the child’s perception of security, which is often tied to the parent’s power and resources.
Adult Children and Parental Alienation
While Parental Alienation Syndrome is commonly associated with minor children, it is also prevalent among adult children. A previously healthy relationship between a parent and an adult child can deteriorate when the child continues to be controlled by a narcissistic parent, or becomes involved with a controlling or narcissistic partner. The adult child may not recognize the subtle, often insidious nature of narcissistic abuse, leading to estrangement from one or both of their parents.
Narcissistic partners often isolate their victims, cutting them off from their support systems, including their parents. This isolation is about power and control, as the narcissist perceives the partner’s family as a threat.
The Gatekeeper Spouse
The controlling partner, often referred to as the “Gatekeeper Spouse,” holds significant influence over the adult child’s relationship with their parents. If maintaining contact with their parents causes conflict at home, the adult child might distance themselves to keep peace with their spouse. This dynamic can result in the complete exclusion of the parents from their child’s life, a situation exacerbated if grandchildren are involved, as the narcissistic spouse may also limit the grandparents’ access to them.
The Emotional Impact on Alienated Parents
For parents, the pain of being alienated from their children is profound. Unlike the finality of death, estrangement is a continuous source of grief, as parents hold onto hope that their children will return. This ongoing rejection can be more painful than losing a child to death because the parent knows their child is alive but has chosen to exclude them from their life.
Parents often struggle with feelings of shame and guilt, questioning if their actions contributed to the alienation. However, in many cases, the relationship was healthy before the involvement of the controlling partner. The alienation often confuses parents, as they had a positive relationship with their child prior to the estrangement.
Coping and Moving Forward
As alienated parents, acceptance is crucial for moving forward. While hope for reconciliation may persist, parents must understand that the likelihood of rekindling the relationship is slim as long as the controlling spouse or parent remains in the picture. It is essential to stop self-blame and recognize that the alienation is not a result of their parenting but rather the manipulative behavior of the controlling parent or partner.
Finding Peace
Parents should focus on their well-being, finding ways to cope with the sadness and loss without letting it dominate their lives. Praying or wishing well for their estranged children and grandchildren, visualizing them happy and thriving, can offer some solace. Understanding that adult children need to make their own choices, even if it means excluding their parents, is part of finding peace.
In some cases, like the story of the prodigal child, the adult child may eventually realize the toxic nature of their relationship and return. Until then, parents must continue to live their lives, cherishing the hope but not allowing it to consume them.
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a complex and painful experience, deeply affecting parents who find themselves estranged from their children due to the manipulative influence of a controlling partner. While the journey to acceptance is challenging, it is essential for parents to focus on their mental and emotional health, understanding that their children’s choices are not a reflection of their worth as parents. With time and patience, there is always hope for reconciliation, but finding peace in the present is crucial.
Listen to this episode on Parental Alienation Syndrome on Pandoras Box Below:
