Projection is a very crazy making dynamic. Because when someone projects their issues onto you, they will accuse you of doing exactly what it is they are doing.
The question people most often ask is “don’t they see it? Don’t they see they are the one who is controlling, abusive, narcissistic, or whatever they are accusing you of being?” The short answer is “No!” They don’t see it! They are in a type of denial that is so deep that they don’t have a clue.
Everybody projects somewhat. An obese woman who can’t control her eating may be angry at her alcoholic husband for not being able to control his addiction. We may feel someone doesn’t like us, but the deeper truth is we don’t like them. Or you might think someone is being aloof when you are the one being aloof. But with narcissists, projection is much deeper and more complex than found in the average person. In order to avoid responsibility for their own behavior they project their behavior outwards and accuse the one they are mistreating of mistreating them. Do they actually believe it? Most of the time, yes, they do.
The really crazy making part of projection is that when somebody accuses you of doing what he or she is doing and that person actually believes this is true, you have absolutely no recourse. There is nothing you can do about it. Because that person lives in his or her own little world that has nothing to do with reality. In their little world they are always the victim and you are always the perpetrator.
The reason projection is so big with narcissists is that narcissists deny their true reality in favor of the false reality they hide behind. In their false reality, they are amazing, they can do no wrong, they are faultless and blameless and it is always somebody else’s fault. Because they so desperately need to believe the false reality is true, they can’t allow the true truth to permeate the veneer they hide behind.
Most often there is a thick layer of shame and guilt at the core that the narcissist is hiding from. He or she doesn’t want to feel their pain or admit to themselves that beneath the thin veneer they are hiding behind there is a feeling of being worthless, guilty and shameful. This is far too much to take on board, so they cut off from these painful feelings early in life and cover them up with an illusion of perfection. When one has a belief in his or her own perfection there is no room for error. That person couldn’t possibly be wrong. Nothing could possibly be their doing, or their fault. The blame must be cast elsewhere.
When we have been subjected to narcissistic people who do a lot of projection, we have to learn how to trust ourselves and our own realty, otherwise we will be manipulated by the projections of the other. We will try harder to be what they want or need us to be, when we weren’t lacking in the first place.
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