I recently participated in a powerful Full Moon, sound healing meditation with an amazing group of people and the result for me was incredible. I had not realized how much soul loss I had experienced in this past year through various relationship dynamics.  I had not realized the affect that soul loss had on me.

It began with chronic insomnia, the inability to fall asleep. I would lay awake night after night praying for sleep but it never came. Slowly my body began to deteriorate due to lack of regeneration. I reached my “bottom” or ultimate “low” which resulted in the ending of a relationship I was in. I found myself having to pull myself from the depths of the “low” point physical, mentally and spiritually and at the same time recover from losing the “love” in my life.

In the beginning it felt like a “hopeless” journey, but little by little I began to sleep again and reconnected with nature through daily walks down by the river. I could feel myself slowly coming back, emerging from the darkness and the desperation that resulted from feeling so disconnected from my own soul.

At the full moon gathering I connected with a beautiful woman who was clearly on the same energetic vibrational level I was. We fully connected and were amazed at how much we shared the same views and the same journey. We talked about the “destroyer” energy that takes us down to “nothingness” so that we may be reborn. I was not a stranger to this energy. How many times have I found myself challenged by “the destroyer.”

The “destroyer” is like the “Kali” energy. Kali is the Hindu Goddess of Destruction and Rebirth. She is the destroyer of the illusion. If we find ourselves getting too rooted in “the illusion” when our souls purpose is to awaken, we may find ourselves fully immersed in the fires of transformation, being taken down to ashes so that we can rise again, like the Phoenix, into a new life.

The “NEW” life is always greater than the old but we must understand that the “greatness” of our new life has more to do with our connection to our soul than anything else.

In our illusionary world we have been taught that finding “love” or a romantic partner to share our life with is the ultimate happy ending. However this is completely untrue! Romantic partners never have the power to make us whole or bring us lasting happiness. Sure the “honeymoon” period is steeped with “feel good” chemicals that we become addicted to. But eventually those chemicals wear off and we are left with the deeper truth of what our relationships are based on.

Truly our relationships will mirror to us our deepest “disconnection” to our own soul. When we try to get our “soul needs” met through another, we are doomed to fail.

If you have a history of seeking for “wholeness” and “happiness” through a dysfunctional relationship, then you are likely disconnected from your soul. The pain of that disconnection drives you to feel “connected” with others; however you cannot truly connect with others on any deep level if you have not connected to your own soul.

The desire for a “soulmate” relationship is really the desire to feel connected to your own soul. Most of us still walk through life hoping to find “the one” who will bring to us what is lacking in our lives. This is NOT going to happen.

What our relationships do is mirror to us just how disconnected we really are. If we expect that relationship to give us the missing connection, we will be very disappointed and unhappy, once the honeymoon period has ended. We may get angry and lash out at our partner because we don’t feel our needs are being met. We may see it as a need for attention, for love, for affection, and ultimately for closeness. But once again we must be able to achieve that “closeness” with Self/Soul before we can ever expect to achieve that “closeness” with another.

During the honeymoon period, due to the “feel good” chemicals that are released, we may believe we are connected to “the other” and we get “high” on that perceived connection. But it is not a true connection. If you get “high” on a drug, it “feels good” in the moment, but when you “come down” you may experience a “crash” or burn out and need more and more of the drug in order to achieve that “high.” Romance can work like this too. You may find yourself chasing after the drug of “love” and need more and more of that drug to keep you “high.”

Many people cannot be without a relationship for any period of time because they are addicted to “the high” of falling in love or being in love. But ultimately it ends the same way; in disappointment. It is easy to place the blame on the new partner and search for a perceived “better” partner to be everything for you that the old one wasn’t. But ultimately the result is the same. This is because it isn’t really about the partner at all. It is about your relationship to the SELF/Soul. If your inner relationship is suffering all your outer relationships will suffer too.

I know in my case I had not realized how much I was disconnected until my relationship ended and I found myself on a serious healing path. I was having a conversation with a good friend and heard myself saying something quite profound. “My spirit just wouldn’t let me sleep through this.” Aha! My spirit did not want me going back to sleep and so it kept me awake until the life I was creating was completely destroyed.

At first I reeled in the pain of the destruction! But then I woke up completely! I saw the deeper truth! I saw that what I had perceived as destruction was really an opportunity to reconnect! Not with “the other” but with the Self/soul. Once I reconnected the pain left me. I had returned to my spiritual path in a big way. All distractions had been removed from my life, until I found what was most important.

When one suffers from chronic insomnia it is suggested you limit your time on the Internet and using any electronic devices, especially in the evening. So my usual routines of occupying myself on the Internet, or texting a friend, had to go. I had to instill peace and quiet in the evenings, free of distraction. I hadn’t realized just how much I was distracting myself until those distractions were removed. With the insomnia, I had no energy and so couldn’t distract myself with “doing” either. I had to return to the state of “being.” This was actually a major gift.

I hadn’t realized how “wide open” I was until I went to the full moon, sound healing meditation and felt this deep connection with so many people. It was like my heart was wide open. I was not this fragile, crippled, individual I had been feeling like only days ago. I was a woman who had found God and was profoundly connected to this spiritual “oneness” that allowed me to experience a deep connection with others.

I was invited to share my gift of song with others as we sat around a fire in a Tee-pee. I called upon spirit to “sing through me” and offered my voice for the greater good of all. The song that came through me connected me even deeper to those who listened.

Reconnecting to my soul helped me to find my “song” again and in listening to my “song” people could feel their own connection to soul in a deeper way.

I had not realized how I “lost my song.” That soulful, musically connected part of me had gone underground. I had no desire to sing. In fact I had no desire to do much of anything.

I cannot blame my relationships for my losing my SELF. It was my own doing. I still had a co-dependent aspect of me that wanted to please others and so I focused more on what others wanted than what was in my own highest good. I was giving my power away so subtly that I didn’t realize what I was doing, until it was already done. It seems most of us do this! We don’t realize we are losing ourselves until we are lost.

Like the prodigal son returning home to his Father, I returned home to Self/soul and it was a sweet reunion. The soul is always there, awaiting our return with open arms.

I have given up the search for a soulmate! I will no longer look for someone to be my constant companion and fulfill that part of me that only God can fill. I am embracing my “aloneness” and learning to love it. It took me nearly fifty-five years to realize “there is no other.”

Our relationship with our SELF/soul is the most important and the deepest relationship we will ever have. When we can get that piece and learn to treasure it, we will never feel empty, or lonely. We come to realize that we are “Soul” and “Soul” is not confined by the human form. “Soul” is an eternal energy that is experiencing itself through our physical form. “Soul is the lifeforce energy in all living things and it knows no separation.

Separation is created by our ego, our small self. We perceive ourselves as separate when we have a need to see ourselves as superior or inferior to others. It is our perceived separation that distances us from “the other.” Our small self feels it is either “not good enough” or “too good” for others.

As we bridge the distance between Self and Soul we discover that “Soul” is not good or bad, right or wrong, inferior or superior, dark or light. These judgments are ego perceptions.

Soul is never separate from the Oneness we call God. When we experience ourselves in that “oneness” we no longer experience the separation that causes us to judge others out of a need to see oneself as superior or inferior. That need to judge comes from a deep internal discontent that causes us to blame others for not being who we “need” them to be.

People are simply at different levels of awakening and awareness. The more “unaware” one is the more he or she will project onto  “the other” his/her own unhealed wounds and attack and blame others for failing to fill the unmet need.

Our deepest unmet need is our need to feel connected. When we learn that the only way we will ever feel connected is through our own inner relationship with Self/Soul, we can be fully liberated from our search to find “the one” who will finally set us free.