There are a lot of things you might have learned about methods the Narcissist will use to manipulate and control but there are also some things narcissists do that you may not be aware of.  I’ve been in this field for over 20 years and am always learning. It is good to keep our eyes open, so that we can see red flags early.

Recently I had a very interesting experience where I met a man at a gathering, who gave me a hug, which is pretty common in the kinds of spiritual based gatherings I attend, and when I pulled away from him he said to me “you are really stressed.” I felt a little taken off guard by this, as I had never met this man and he was already assessing my mental and emotional state. I didn’t feel I was presenting myself as “stressed out.” And I didn’t particularly feel stressed. I observed myself presenting in a warm and friendly manner. But after he said this, I thought for a moment and then I went into explaining myself “well, maybe I am under some stress, yada, yada, yada.” He mentioned that he could work with me to help me to release this stress, as he was some kind of practitioner. I said “yeah, well, maybe.”

I found that I was disturbed for most of the day and when I got together with my twelve-step study group, I shared my experience. One of the members of my group asked if we had ever heard of a term called “negging,” (spelled NEGGING.)

Negging (derived from the verb neg, meaning “negative feedback”) is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator’s approval.The term was coined and prescribed by pickup artists.

I did a little more research and came to realize that Negging, can be used in almost any situation with any person. It is commonly used in the dating scene, mostly by men, in order to gain the upper hand with a woman. She may be caught off guard, like I was, and buy into the manipulation. But the more “in tune” we are with our own instincts and intuition, the sooner we will trust that little voice that says “something doesn’t feel right here.”

I realized that although “negging” was being promoted in the men’s dating circles, it is no longer being considered a viable pick up method as the majority of women who experience “negging” are left with a bad taste in their mouth, as I was.

Negging can also be used to establish intellectual or spiritual authority over a person or to establish superiority.

I realized that the man who gave me feedback about the stress I was carrying in my body was acting inappropriately. Even if he believed I was stressed, and even if I was stressed, it was inappropriate for him to comment on my mental or emotional state right after meeting me for the first time and also in front of a group of people. In situations like this we really need to keep our opinions and judgements to ourselves. We don’t tend to have a lot of respect for someone who violates our personal boundaries in this way. I did not ask for his feedback or seek him out as a professional to provide advice. It was clearly offered to put me off balance and put him in the position of authority; someone who could help me to resolve my supposed issue.

When you experience anything that looks like “Negging” where you are possibly given a back handed compliment, are left wondering if this was a compliment or a put down, or feel that someone has immediately put you in an inferior or off balanced position, you may be the recipient of negging.

Negging is something often used by narcissists to control and manipulate their targets. You might be told “you have a really beautiful face and would be a real knock out if you lost some weight.” “Or, you are really smart, why are you just a school teacher and not a doctor or a lawyer?” Or in a situation like mine you may be receive an unsolicited evaluation of your physical or emotional state.

Although the word “Negging” has been around for a while, I just heard about it for the first time recently and felt it was a good word to put in my narcissist manipulation technique toolbox. I’m not saying one needs to be a narcissist to use this technique but I’ve certainly seen it used by narcissist before I even knew what the term was.

DARVO

Another term that recently came to my attention is DARVO.

I was recently sent a great article on “How Narcissists Use DARVO to Escape Accountability”

DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender. It is a defense mechanism used by manipulators to evade accountability for the abuse they inflict on others.

The term was first presented in a 1997 article by DR. Jennifer J. Freyd, Professor of Psychology at the University of Oregon and founder of the Center for Institutional Courage.

According to Dr. Freyd, “The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim – or the whistleblower – into an alleged offender.”

DARVO is truly crazy making for the one experiencing it and yet this method is so typical of narcissists.

The first letter of DARVO is D for Denial. The first thing a narcissist will do is deny they did whatever it was they did, cheat, yell, abuse, make fun of you, talk behind your back. They are likely to say “I didn’t do that,” which is crazy making by itself because it leaves you questioning and doubting your own memory of the event/events. Sometimes, however you may have evidence, such as an email or text message or a phone call from the affair partner, and this will help you keep your sanity in check. But when all you have to rely on is your own memory, you may begin to ask questions, such as “is my mind playing tricks on me? I was sure he did or said that.” You may also feel you are just being insecure, suspicious, jealous or needy. Especially if the narcissist says you are.

The denial coming from a narcissist is basically saying that the thing that happened didn’t happen and you are crazy for saying that it did. What this does is allow the narcissist to do or say anything and get away with it, because all he has to do is deny what he did or said. He or she simply erases the event from his/her mind and acts as if it never happened. How convenient.

The next letter of DARVO is A for Attack! “How dare you call me on my crap! You need to be punished for even mentioning what I did was not okay. How dare you speak out! How dare you have boundaries. How dare you find fault with my behavior, I’m perfect. You, on the other hand are mentally disturbed, crazy, and don’t know anything.”

Those of us who have been hurt by a narcissist, are just that…hurt and we are confused. We are hurt by the things they do and say and when we express our feelings or our sense of injustice, we are further abused. If we ask questions or try to understand, we are further abused. We are attacked for not remaining silent. Having a voice is a crime with a narcissist. How dare you!

A narcissist will either say “It never happened,” or “if it did happen, it wasn’t that bad” or “you are really blowing this out of proportion or making a big deal over nothing, or it didn’t mean anything, or it isn’t something to get upset about, etc.

The third letter of DARVO is R for Reverse. What a narcissist or sociopath will do is reverse the victim and perpetrator roles painting himself or herself as a victim and the true victim as the perpetrator.

An example is that you may see a text message come in on your narcissistic husbands phone, from a woman he is having an affair with. The affair is obvious from the message, it is a sexy photo with the words “I miss you, where are you?” When you confront your narcissistic husband about what you saw he comes unglued that you should read his private messages. You are invading his privacy. You have no right to read his messages. How dare you! You end up feeling like you are the one who did something wrong and may even apologize, and go into trying to defend yourself. The attention goes from your husband having an affair, which he says is not happening, to the focus on how he can’t trust you because you read his messages.  He may tell you it will be a long time before he can even trust you again, which will end up being the reason he is having the affair.  He has taken control of the situation!

If the abuser becomes violent and hits you or pins you up against the wall it is because you provoked him and made him mad. It is your fault. You are making him or her upset and causing the bad behavior.

If you ask the narcissist about something they did or said out of genuine concern he or she may twist the story around and focus on something you did or said to take the attention off the behavior of the narcissist.

Twisting the story is another example of REVERSE. We can also call this projection and deflection. Projection is to accuse you of doing what the narcissist is doing. Deflection is to take the attention off what the narcissist is doing and put the attention on what you are doing, or your reaction to what he or she is doing.

Reversing is another crazy making behavior that really has you confused and questioning reality.

The Fourth letter of DARVO is V for Victim. The narcissist develops an elaborate victim story, as I was saying with the reversal. Often when the relationship ends the narcissist paints himself or herself as a victim and has a very elaborate and convincing story he or she tells to anyone who will listen. The narcissist may talk about how crazy you are, how you are on drugs, or an alcoholic, or bipolar or a series of other things. The narcissist may tell stories of things you have done, which are really things the narcissist has done. The narcissist is so good at telling stories that he or she is able to manipulate many people into believing his or her narrative. As a result, you may be seen as the perpetrator.

In my experience as a counselor for victims of narcissistic abuse, I have seen narcissists have their partners arrested, thrown in jail, kicked out of their homes, their children taken from them and other horror stories that resulted from the narcissist denying his or her behavior and projecting it onto the true victim who is further abused through the legal system or by their own community members who don’t believe their story.

The Fifth and Final letter of DARVO is O for Offender. The narcissist takes offense to being accused of being the offender. As long as he or she is focused on YOU as being the offender, he or she evades responsibility for his or her behavior.

What is truly crazy making about this is that there can be no resolution when there is no accountability. There is no apology. No accountability. There is only projection and blame. YOU are the one who did wrong! You are the one who should be punished! You are the one who is crazy, unworthy and so on.

All of this can fall into the category of GASLIGHTING which is something you probably have heard about.

GASLIGHTING

Gaslighting is one of the most common terms used to describe the manipulation tactics done by a narcissist. Gaslighting is a method of making someone doubt their own reality or memory. The gaslighter confuses his or her victim, through denying reality, changing the story, projecting, blaming, and thereby taking zero responsibility for his or her own actions and behavior.

Both Negging and each part of DARVO can be considered gaslighting. Because the abuser is using these techniques to confuse the victim. When a perpetrator denies doing something, it is confusing. When you are hurt by a behavior and attacked for expressing your pain, this is confusing. When the perpetrator reverses the situation and plays the victim, casting you in the role of the offender, this is confusing!

Confusion is a great word to sum up all of these tactics. If someone says to you, “you are really beautiful but could really lose some weight,” you may not know if you have received a compliment or an insult. It is confusing! Anytime you are made to doubt yourself, your memory or your reality, it is confusing!

So pay attention when you feel confused in a relationship. Confusion is a big red flag. If you feel confused or something just doesn’t feel right, pay attention.

When someone accuses you of doing what they are doing, it is projection! Pay attention. When someone hurts you and then plays the victim, pay attention. When someone lies to you and then accuses you of being a liar, pay attention. This stuff is really twisted. It really twists your mind and your reality. It is downright confusing!

Breaking FREE!

We don’t need to be in relationships with people who use this kind of behavior. We don’t need to be confused. People who really care about you will offer validation of your reality, not confusion. And if you are confused and a friend or loved one tries to set you straight it will be with love and genuine care for you, such as telling you “Honey, that person you are with is not a good person, they are very hurtful and abusive to you. You really need to think about getting out. I know you say you love them, but people who love you won’t treat you like this.”

People who love you or care about you will be gentle in their approach with you, if they are concerned that you are confused or being abused in some way.

I remember when I was with a narcissist, and he went to an older man that we knew from Church and said he thought that I was confused. The old man (he was 92 at the time,) said to the narcissist. “You are the one who seems confused.” It was nice to have someone see the truth. Maybe at the age of 92 this guy had been around the block a few times and wasn’t easily fooled.

The code word for being with a narcissist is confusion! Weather you are being gaslit, negged or DARVO’d you are being messed with for the sole purpose of the narcissist not wanting to own up to or take any responsibility for his or her own toxic behavior. You will be thrown under the bus in order for the narcissist to save face. You won’t matter. He or she won’t care about you. In the end, you are disposable!

It is hard to understand this because we often project our own integrity and ethics onto the narcissist believing he or she would never be capable of doing such things to us. We were under the illusion that we were loved and cared about. But someone who does this kind of thing is really incapable of any kind of real love. It is all a game to avoid their own feelings of shame and guilt. For the narcissist, these feelings are intolerable.

You have to care about your mental health because the narcissist won’t. I had a client recently tell me that she kept trying to get that narcissistic person to see the damage he was doing to her, thinking he would stop and care about her well-being. But, of course that only gave him power and he amped up the abuse. Telling a narcissist to please stop, is only inviting more trouble.
The best thing any of us can do in a situation where we find ourselves with someone using such manipulation techniques is to LEAVE.

L is for Let Go…..I know you want to hold on to that fantasy but let it go and let the abuser go. It is your only route to sanity.

E is for Empathy. Have enough empathy for yourself to stop allowing yourself to be mistreated and abused.

A is for Action. You need to take action to break free from your abuser. Move out, kick him or her out, go no contact, file for divorce, whatever it is you need to do, do it! Don’t postpone. The longer you put it off, the further downhill you will slide. Take action NOW!

V is for Victory! Once you break free you are in the first stages of victory! It takes a lot to break free from this kind of manipulative personality, So congratulate yourself when you do break free. It may take some time to get past the emotional damage, but eventually you will be victorious on all fronts!

LEAVE has two E’s and so we are going to talk about Empathy again! Don’t empathize with the narcissist. Empathize with yourself. That person doesn’t deserve your empathy and when he or she tries to hoover you back, you have to find the strength and the courage to say NO! Don’t believe the stories, the lies, the fake apologies or whatever else the narcissist does to hook you back in. You have broken free! You have been victorious. Stay that way! Get help! Block that person from your life! Each day needs to be a commitment to stay out of contact with that person and any of his or her supporters.

And if you meet a Negger on the streets, also just say NO. When someone puts you on the defense, don’t take the bait. Walk away. Don’t play! You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Built your life with people who are capable of offering this to you. But also realize you need to offer yourself dignity and respect.

The truth is you deserve the best that life has to offer, so stay true to yourself and only allow people into your life who treat you right!