Codependency is common among those who come from families where there is alcoholism or other addictions, abuse, neglect, mental illness or personality disorders.  It has become such a buzz word in our society and codependency is often very misunderstood.  In this article, I would like to talk about what is codependency and how to heal it.

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Codependency is a coping mechanism for the dysfunctional and toxic environments one grows up in and this coping mechanism carries forward into adulthood.

Codependency is not a personality disorder nor is it considered a mental illness or disorder in the diagnostic manual or DSM5.

One thing that is really important to understand about codependency is that it is on a spectrum.  People can be extremely co-dependent or mildly codependent.

Because the word “dependent” is in the word “codependent,” people tend to believe codependency is a dependency issue.  But the word independent, also has the word dependent in it and does not suggest any type of dependency.

Symptoms of Codependency

The following is a list of symptoms of codependency taken from Psyche Central and being in a codependent relationship taken from . You don’t need to have them all to qualify as codependent.

• Low self-esteem. Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame. Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
• People-pleasing. It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
• Poor boundaries. Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else. Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
• Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
• Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
• Control. Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control. Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people.
• Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
• Obsessions. Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.” Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, but it keeps you from living your life.
• Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Some always need to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
• Denial.  One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem. Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
• Problems with intimacy. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
• Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

Codependency is said to have some traits of dependent personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and post traumatic stress disorder, but even if there are some traits and cross over between the different diagnosis, it really depends on the individual because no two codependents will have the same exact set of symptoms.  So when I described the symptoms of codependency you may relate to some of them and not others.

Dependent Personality disorder causes people to be dependent on others and not necessarily one specific person.  Borderline personality disorder may seem to be dependent upon one specific person but can transfer their dependency to another person and are known for having unstable relationships with others.  Codependents are known to have dependency on one particular person, especially the person they are in a significant relationship with.  But they can also easily display codependent behaviors such as lack of boundaries, people pleasing and difficulty saying “no” in all their relationships.

In my experience working with codependents, when out of a relationship, they can become quite strong and independent.  There is some information that say codependents need to have a relationship and don’t like to be alone.  Although most codependents would like to have a relationship, they can become quite independent, self-sufficient and confident outside of a relationship.  In fact, many codependents are much stronger on their own than in a relationship.

Codependent behaviors often seem to increase when a new relationship begins.  There may be a tendency to focus too much on the prospective relationship partner, get anxious about when or if that person is going to call or text, or how they are going to respond to them.  They may have increased feelings of unworthiness, fear of rejection, strong people pleasing behaviors, inability to say “no” or have good boundaries, including sexual boundaries, they may go into denial about red flag behaviors, make excuses for the person they are dating, stop spending time with their friends, be too available for the other person, and even feel needy.

This can be ironic because a codependent may not display many of these behaviors out of their relationships.  It is the relationship itself that seems to bring many codependent behaviors to the surface.  Still underneath the surface of their awareness there is likely some really deep core wounds, beliefs and fears that are activated in a relationship.

Codependents make great relationship partners for narcissists because they are “other focused” and narcissists need a lot of attention focused on them.  However, codependents may also focus on the negative characteristics of the narcissist and try to get him/her to change.  She may attempt to fix or rehabilitate the narcissist rather than focus on her own needs and behaviors that aren’t working for her in the relationship.

Rather than saying “this relationship isn’t a good fit for me, is unhealthy, or unsatisfying” the codependent may continue to attempt to get her needs met in the relationship by trying to get the relationship partner to give her more attention, love, affection, compassion, etc.  Strong feelings of abandonment may also make it difficult for her to end the relationship.

The higher on the spectrum the codependency, the more it interferes with one’s life and their ability to connect to themselves and their own inner reality.  In cases of extreme codependency, one may deny all personal needs and focus entirely on taking care of the needs of others.  The healthier one becomes the more tuned in he or she is to their own needs.

Becoming aware of one’s needs is an important step toward healing.  If I ask someone “what is it that you need right now,”  and they draw a blank and can’t answer that question, it might be an indicator that the person is out of touch with his or her own needs.

Codependents typically avoid facing themselves, their own pain and their own needs through an intense focus on the other.  Therefore, the healing of codependency involves coming back to the self and learning to tune in to one’s inner reality.  This includes one’s emotions, needs, fears and insecurities.

Codependents usually deny or avoid their darker emotions, such as sadness, grief, frustration, anger, rage, feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, low self esteem, fear and insecurity.  Their primary medication for avoiding uncomfortable emotions is an intense focus on others, although they may use drugs, alcohol, workaholism and other addictions to avoid what they are feeling.

Healing codependency comes from withdrawing ones focus on others and placing it back on oneself; finding the courage to face one’s inner reality and difficult emotions.

Strong fear of abandonment and rejection have its roots in feeling one is not worthy of love or acceptance; or that who you are is not enough.  Although we all need to learn to just be ourselves, codependents don’t feel they have a self that is worthy of love and acceptance, therefore if they express how they really feel or show too much of who they are, they fear they will be rejected or abandoned by others.  They tend to go into caretaking, people pleasing, giving in to the needs and demands of others, not speaking up, not speaking their truth, denying reality, trying to fix, heal, or rescue, and staying too long in toxic situations.

Where a borderline personality tends to explode out of their intense emotion, codependents tend to implode.  They can keep their feelings locked inside, and maybe even locked out of their own awareness.  If they do explode and get angry or share how they really feel, they tend to feel a lot of guilt, shame and regret.  When a narcissist is present, he is likely to go on the attack when a codependent loses her cool.  He will call her crazy, out of control, or an emotional basket case.  The narcissist will lose his cool frequently and think nothing of it, but should his codependent partner lose control of her emotions, he will never let her forget it.  This causes the codependent further shame and feelings of regret and rejection.

As long as a codependent stays focused on another person, she will not likely have healing.  But if she brings her focus back to herself, her own needs and exploring her own core wounds, wants, needs and uncomfortable emotions, she can begin to heal.

Listen to the entire episode of “What is Codependency and How to Heal” Below: