Although I have been involved in doing some kind of recovery for Codependency throughout my adult life, I have never committed to a twelve-step recovery group, attended meetings on a committed regular basis or truly committed to a recovery program. I’ve read books, studied, helped others and helped myself but felt it was time that I gave the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Codependency a serious commitment so that I can better help myself and others in this program.
As I put my toes in the water and start to really feel into this program, I am looking at it with new eyes and very excited for the journey ahead. Which is why I have also decided to share this journey with you, inviting all of you who identify as codependent to join me in joining a twelve step program and working the twelve steps. I invite you to purchase the workbook called “The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions,” which is a green workbook that you can purchase on Amazon. I recommend the actual hard copy rather than a digital version, because it is also a journal in which you can write answers to the questions that are asked in this program.
Although I have had amazing recovery from codependency in my life, I have to agree that we are recovered but never cured. Which means that recovery is a lifelong commitment and if we let go of this commitment or consider ourselves cured, we are vulnerable for relapse. We can go back to codependent behaviors or forget the importance of creating a healthy environment in which to thrive.
I’ve had some clients who resist the idea that they might be codependent because codependency is on a spectrum. We can be really, really codependent to where our lives are completely unmanageable or we can have areas of our lives where we are codependent, which can cause us a lot of pain and trauma.
Codependency is often quite misunderstood. I’ve heard people use this term in ways that don’t really describe what it is. For example someone who is actually dependent on others for everything and can’t be alone is often considered codependent. Yet many codependents are very independent people who are fine with being alone, but their codependency may show up in their most intimate relationships. Some codependents can’t be alone, but many do well alone.
Although the definition of codependency is not simple; there are many facets of it, the deeper you go into the understanding of codependency, the more you will be able to recognize codependent traits in yourself that may be causing you a lot of pain, insecurity, trauma, instability and unmanageability in your life.
In my personal journey, I have recognized all the ways in which I have grown. I have developed much stronger boundaries, I have let go of a lot of my people pleasing behaviors, I have cut most of the toxic people out of my life, I have worked to create a loving, harmonious environment of friends and family of choice, I have learned to really take care of myself, I have developed a strong sense of honesty and openness in my relationships, I have learned to make amends to those I have hurt, be accountable, and be respectful to others.
However, in my last relationship, I recognized where I still needed to heal. I allowed myself to stay too long in a relationship that wasn’t healthy for me, because I loved him and I wanted it to work. But it wasn’t working and I was suffering as a result. I had to let the relationship go, even though I didn’t want to. I had to stop trying to take care of him and focus back on taking care of me. I had to stop trying to fix, heal and rehabilitate him, and instead look at where I needed to heal and recover. I had to set really strong boundaries and hold firm to them, even when I wanted to remain connected. I had to look at how his behavior towards me caused my core shame to be triggered again and again. I came to the conclusion that I would never be enough for him, but I had to be enough for me. I had to look at how I was still valuable as a human being even though I felt devalued in my relationship. I had to let go when I wanted to hold on. I had to take responsibility for my choices, even though I wanted to blame him for not being what I wanted and needed him to be. I had to let go of controlling outcomes and surrender to the will of a higher power.
In the pain of the aftermath of my dreams coming crashing down around me, I picked up the Twelve Step book and started working the twelve steps and I joined a twelve step CODA recovery group and a study group for the twelve steps.
The twelve step programs are based on a group consciousness that has been proven to help us to overcome our addictions to people, to substances, to behaviors, and to a way of being in the world that may have served us as children trying to survive, but no longer serve us as adults seeking to thrive.
So if you are interested in joining a twelves step program for your own recovery, you can go to CODA.org to find a meeting near you and also pick up your copy of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Workbook.
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